Infernal Revenue

I opened my inbox this morning to find the following e-mail waiting for me:

After the last annual calculations of your fiscal activity we have determined that you are eligible to receive a tax refund under section 501 (c) (3) of the Internal Revenue Code. Tax refund value is $203.59.
Please submit the tax refund request and allow us 3-9 days in order to IWP the data received.

If you distribute funds to other organizations, your records must show whether they are exempt under section 497 (c) (15). In cases where the recipient org. is not exempt under section 497 (c) (15), you must have evidence the funds will
be used for section 497 (c) (15) purposes.

If you distribute fund to individuals, you should keep case histories showing the recipient's name and address; the purpose of the award; the manner of section; and the relationship of the recipient to any of your officers, directors, trustees, members, or major contributors.

To access the form for your tax refund, please click here


Regards,
Internal Revenue Service
Copyright 2007, Internal Revenue Service U.S.A. All rights reserved

I replied:

Dear Criminal idiot.

You are caught in my trap. You see, unknown to you, I am in fact a British crime-fighter who maintains the U.S. based e-mail address that you contacted for the purpose of trapping gullible fools like you. Your information has been passed on to the Sparrow, who is even at this moment draining your bank account and sending its contents to your previous victims, Whatever remains will go to charity. Oh, and expect a visit from the law. And if you happen to escape them, I'd be more than happy to teach you a few lessons. I warn you, it won't be pleasant, as I've learned that people like you need to be taught the lesson that crime does not pay, and you need to be taught it painfully.

Yours in anticipation

The Girl in Grey

Copyright 2007, The Girl in Grey, U.K. All rights reserved

Charles Edward ('Chuck') Wilkerson, sender of the message, is now penniless and languishing in a prison hospital. Emily had to stick her dagger in him a couple of times before he confessed.
A word to my readers. You know better than to think these 'phishing' scams are for real. The government NEVER gives you money!

The man who said he was Wong

This morning I opened one of my e-mail accounts to find this e-mail:

Hello:

I am Mr. Peter Wong, one of Hang Seng Bank Ltd board of directors here in Hong Kong. I would respectfully request that you keep the contents of this mail confidential and respect the integrity of the information. I contacted you independently of our investigation and no one is informed of this communication. I would like to intimate you with certain facts that I believe would be of interest to you. I know you would be wondering why I am writing you with a request such as this but I only urge you to read on.

I need your co-operation in receiving US$10.5Million that has been in a dormant account with my bank since 1997 under inheritance claim. 30% of the total sums will be accrued to you upon the confirmation of the funds in your nominated account. Although it may seem small, but you have to understand and accept this since 40% of the total sum will go to charity, as my entitlement here is also 30%.

The account holder is late and I being his account officer, I have tried to reach any of the next trustees, but to no avail and since I am not in position to make the claim to myself, I can establish you before the bank as the heir to the bequest. It is very important that the claim is made, as the bank will turn the funds over to the treasury anytime from now if it remains unclaimed.

I will provide you with detailed information on the modalities of this operation once I have your interest but I must say that trust flourishes business. Therefore let your conscience towards this proposal be nurtured with sincerity.

Peter Wong

I replied.

Dear Mr. Wong (if that is your real name, which I doubt).

You need to get a proper job. Perhaps you'll be able to get training in prison. You expected me, no doubt, to jump at the offer of 30% of ten million dollars. Unfortunately I will do no such thing. First, I'm already extremely wealthy. Second, what you propose is very, very illegal, and thirdly, your name is not Peter Wong, you do not work for the Hang Seng Bank of Hong Kong, and you do not have ten million dollars to do anything with anyhow. 'Trust flourishes business', you say, but a fool and his money are soon parted, and I don't trust the sort of man who sends these e-mails any further than I can throw him. I intend to find out how far I can throw you as soon as possible. Which will be very soon, by the way.

You see, your proposal, even if it was true, would be very illegal, and there's no honour among thieves. To trust you I'd have to be every sort of a mug. And I mean EVERY sort!

You were more than a little 'Wong' when you targeted me for your scam, pal. You see, I am not the mug that you supposed me to be. Nor am I an undercover law officer. I am in fact a costumed crime-fighter known as the Girl in Grey, and I have a wonderful teenaged sidekick who has the sort of computer skills that are almost required in sidekicks today. She has already traced your REAL location, and we will be paying you a visit shortly. Oh, did I mention I'm a Judo expert and I need a workout?

Yours in anticipation of beating you up

The Girl in Grey.

Actually I set the Sparrow on him first. She quietly emptied his bank account in Nigeria while Scruff, Emily and me flew to Lagos. We are now on our way back, and the man who said he was Wong is now learning a new career -sewing mailbags. He also now knows how far I can throw him. Well, he'd have gone further, but a wall got in the way. Still, medical science today can work wonders.

I am still alive

Contrary to a report that's circulating around the Thieves' Kitchens chain of underworld hang-outs, I haven't been killed by a super-villain, I'm just busy on my vacation with Scruff and Emily. So here's a little something from my inbox.

>Dear Friend,
>
> My name is Mr. Ming Yang, I work with the Hang Seng Bank of Hong Kong. I have a Business Proposal of Twenty-four million, five hundred thousand US dollars for you to handle with me from my bank i work with. Should you be interested, please send me your full names,private phone/fax number to email address (myhk_671@yahoo.com.hk) and finally after that I shall provide you
>with more details of this operation.
>
>Kind Regards,
>
>Mr. Ming Yang.

I replied:

Dear 'Mr. Ming Yang' (which name, combining as it does the names of two Chinese imperial dynasties is highly unlikely to be your real name)

Unfortunately for you, I was not born yesterday. You are a dirty crook attempting to rob me by suggesting that I participate in a slightly shady, if totally fictitious, deal that will be to my advantage. Should I take you up on this offer (which I will not, owing to my age being more than you anticipated), I would in fact find that the only money changing hands will be in the direction of me to you, under the rubric of 'bank charges'.

However, your scheme is doomed to failure, at least in my case, because:
1. I was not born yesterday (as detailed above)
2. I am well read in detective fiction, including the writings of Edgar Wallace and Leslie Charteris, both of whom used scams such as yours as plots for short stories.
3. I am aware that real bank officials do not send out e-mails to people of whom they have never heard requesting help in moving large amounts of money between continents.
4. Your name is an obvious phoney.
5. Your e-mail address is not a bank address at all.
6. The e-mail closely resembles some nine trillion and five that I have already recieved and dealt wsith in surprising ways.
7. I am in fact a costumed crime-fighter whose kid sidekick is a computer whizz and will be able to trace your e-mail back to you. Expect a visit from me very soon.

Yours Sincerely

The Girl in Grey