The School for Scruff: Epilogue.

We sat in the pub. The Outsider was using the darts board to keep up her skills with a crossbow, and Lady Arcos was sitting on her husband's knee polishing her tommy-gun.

"What happened?" Scruff asked me. I smiled.
"Emily helped Sir Richard's servants clear a secret tunnel that ran from his cellar to the Baron's. We decided that we had to confront him. I didn't want him dead..."
"But he was warned," Sir Richard looked lovingly into his wife's eyes. "Ah, dear Sam, do you know why I love you?"
"Yeah, 'cos I'm cute," she replied.
"Well, yes, but also because you're the only girl I know who can look cute and deadly at the same time."
"What about the school?" Scruff asked. "I made friends there."
"With a little investment it could be made into a proper school," Sir Richard answered. "No, it just so happens I've got contacts in America who'd be willing to finance it. After I remind them of the photographs our dear granddaughter Samantha took of them, anyhow. It amazes me how people like that can be so careless!"
"And you'll buy the school?"
"Good heavens, no! No, I've got a charitable trust for things like that!"
"They teach forgery and burglary there," Scruff pointed out.
"Splendid! Wonderful life skills, lass. Now, more beer. Landlord! Beer! This glass is empty, it's a scandal! And don't tell me you perishers have run out of beer! It's intolerable, man, intolerable! What's a pub without beer? It's like a baboon without fleas, a cess-pool without cess...
I smiled at Scruff, who was lying in front of the fire, now back in school uniform.
"How's Scruff?"
"Great," she replied happily.


THE END
of 'The School for Scruff'

BUT

The Girl in Grey will be back

in

THE PRIORY OF DEATH

The School for Scruff: 21.

"Von Zstrongarm, old man, I think that's excessively brutal, even for you."
I gasped in surprise. There, in the 'parlour' was Sir Richard Arcos. And he was holding a gun. Lady Arcos went one better, and she was holding a tommy-gun and wearing an expression that looked like it belonged to a gangster's moll.
"Yeah, you dirty rat," she said.
"Am I to conclude that the young lady is a friend of yours, Sir Richard?"
"You might. Grey?"

Sis smiled up from where she was lounging.
"Hi there, Baron. We just wanted to make sure she was safe before we confronted you."
"You see," Sir Richard continued, "we don't approve of this idea of yours to make yourself dictator of the world. So we're going to stop you."
"Pah! You can't..."
Suddenly all the doors of the Grange slammed shut. Emily appeared inside the room.
"We can. This is the Outsider. She's a pretty handy girl to have around. I know she doesn't look like much..."
One of the prefects went for a gun. Emily shot him through the wrist.
"No guns," Sir Richard warned. "My darling wife and I will be here to enforce that rule. And should it once be broken my little Sammykins here will no longer feel bad about squeezing the trigger on that splendid relic of days gone by that she's holding, and she'll spray the room with hot lead. You have been warned."
"Yeah," Lady Arcos said, her tone telling everyone that she was just itching to open fire. I ran to her side.
"Matron!" Von Zstrongarm boomed. Emily laughed.
"I dealt with her. You're the leader, Baron. So you're going to pay!"
She and Sis sprang on the Baron's prefects. The prefects were tough, but Sis and Emily do Judo and things like that. We watched as they laid out the prefects. Von Zstrongarm looked on in horror.
"No! My agents..."
"I've got the list, old man," Sir Richard replied. "If I send it to MI5, or the CIA, or someone like that, you might end up very dead. And if you try to jump Sam... too late."
The Baron had taken a chance, and he leaped at Lady Arcos. She discharged her tommy-gun in his chest, and then it was all over. He was very dead, and Hapt was staring at the bloodied corpse.
"Baron!" he cried. Then he tried to attack Lady Arcos and got a dozen bullets in his head.
"It's over," Sis said. She hugged me. "Thanks, Scruff."
"That's okay," I smiled. "Only don't ask me to do this again. Like ever."
"Well, not until next time," she replied with a laugh.
"And now," Sir Richard said with evident satisfaction, "shall we go down the pub?"
No-one disagreed with him.

The School for Scruff: 20.

[Still in Scotland. I think someone got murdered last night, and not by one of us]

I lay there, looking up at Emily's black smoky face, trying to discern any expression on it. No, it looked just like some black smoke, the way it usually does.
"But these are the only dry clothes I have and my arms feel awful!" I protested.
"Scruff!"
"All right," I sat up. It was still only four in the afternoon. "But I don't really feel like wandering around the College dressed like this! They're my pyjamas!"
"I don't mind going around in mine."
"No-one can tell what you're wearing, Emily," I pointed out. Emily laughed.
"Of course not."
Then she vanished. The door opened and Matron looked at me sternly.
"Scruff, I heard voices."
"I was talking to myself."
Matron looked less than convinced. Well, I thought, let her. The Outsider's invisible. No-one can see Emily when she doesn't want to be seen.
"Scruff, you're a troublemaker. Get up!"
I got up. Matron looked down at me, her eyes blazing.
"I'm watching you, young lady. And if you ONCE step out of line, you're mine!"
"She was just being friendly."
Matron turned. Emily had made herself visible again, and her red eyes seemed to be glowing more intensely than ever. Formidable though she was, Matron was obviously afraid.

"It's a trick!"
"No trick," the Outsider moved across the floor. "I'm the Outsider. I walk in the shadows, I observe this wicked world, and I watch your every move! I know your evil plans."
She drew herself up to her full height (shorter than me), and her glowing red eyes looked up into Matron's.
It was then that Matron fainted.
"Go!" Emily said.
I went. I ran from the dorm, just as I was, headed for the Grange. If Sis wanted me there, I was going. She needed me. I'd got into the school, and I was giving her information. I didn't care how many teenage boys there might be between me and the Grange.

I burst into the building and ran into the study.
"So! Our spy!"
Baron Von Zstrongarm faced me. And he was armed, not with a gun, but with a riding-crop. Haupt was there too, and several prefects. It looked very much as though I was trapped.
"Now you will learn why it is a bad idea to make yourself my enemy, Miss Hill," the Baron said. "Come into my parlour."
I had less desire to do that than any fly ever had, but I didn't have much of a choice, and when Von Zstrongarm opened the door I stepped through.

The School for Scruff: 19.

[Girl in Grey note. Scruff and me are off to Scotland today. I wish I didn't have to leave Emily behind, but my old school friend is of a nervous disposition.]


School continued as normal. Emily didn't show that night, and I stayed in the dorm, thinking that the Baron might be lying in wait for me if I tried to get into his study again. I think I made him suspicious of me.
I actually got up early the next morning, and I was already dressed when Matron came round. I was almost out of clean clothes already, I discovered. It didn't help that someone had stolen one of my blouses.
Baron Von Zstrongarm gave a wonderful rant, I mean speech (no, I mean rant) at the assembly. He was trying to inflame us against the United Nations and everything it stood for. Which mostly meant peace, stability and things like that, as far as I could tell.
One of the lessons was cancelled. Apparently something had happened to the teacher, something that might have involved a very savage dog. We got to help the Baron by moving some pieces of machinery from one shed to another.
Amazingly being at Pudding Norton College actually made me miss my old school a little. Okay, there was no bullying to speak of at Pudding Norton because of the guards and the savage discipline of the teachers, but I like real food, a bed with a mattress on it, and housekeeping staff who clean your things for you. Even my bandage was getting very grubby, and I was worried it might start doing me more harm than good. After all, I'd worn it in two cells which hadn't been very clean - not that anything was. The dorm was practically derelict!
That being so, I was almost glad when we got the afternoon off to do our washing. I was issued with a mug of soap flakes, a washboard, and a tub of very hot water to do my washing in. Sis says she wishes she'd been there to see, and Emily says she was and it was the funniest thing she ever saw. I ended up sopping wet from head to toe (don't ask), with my hands rubbed raw and my forearms aching from some sort of allergy.
So I was glad when it was all over and I could just change into my pyjamas and lie down on my bed, staring out of the window.
"Scruff!"
Emily made herself visible and sat down on my bed. Her glowing red eyes looked intently at me.
"Scruff," she repeated, "we're in trouble."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean I got into the Baron's office just after you were caught, and I got away with the timetable. It's more advanced than we thought. He already has agents inserted in key positions, agents who could plunge the world into chaos at his bidding. We have to stop him!"

The School for Scruff: 18.

[Just a quick new post before New Year]

I was allowed to change my clothes and returned to class almost as if nothing had happened. But something had. In place of the old 'metalwork' I'd been assigned to a class called 'cracksmanship', in which we were being taught how to be expert burglars.
My kind of subject, really. I paid particular attention, knowing Sis would want me to. She's really very nice to me. Most of the time, anyhow. She hardly ever asks me to tidy up.
"What happened to you?" Karen asked me at break. "You weren't in the dorm, you weren't in assembly, and you weren't in metalwork."
"Baron Von Zstrongarm caught me opening his safe," I replied.
"No!"
"Yes. So instead of metalwork I'm learning how to be a better burglar."
"You lucky thing! I still have to slave away in that awful workshop!"
"What happens about laundy?" I asked her. "I've got about half a dozen outfits that neec cleaning. This place is kind of hard on my clothes."
"Oh, you'll have to do it yourself tomorrow night. And I mean do it yourself, there's no washing machine."
I'd been afraid of that.
"But I don't know how to hand wash!"
Sis says I don't know how to use the washing machine either, but I wasn't talking about washing machines.
"I'll show you how!"
Funny, I didn't really want her to. But I wanted clean clothes too. Sis says that's just like me, expecting other people to do everything. I'm not sure I like the sound of that.

Our next class was maths. I was no good at all at it, but this time I managed to keep from losing my temper.
I couldn't help glancing out of the window at the Grange. After all, maybe I would succeed in getting the timetable next time. If Emily hadn't used my distraction to get it herself, which she might have done. Emily can be annoying like that. Not that I don't like her, but she can still be annoying.

The School for Scruff: 17.

"Ow!" I cried as the door opened.
"Well! An Intruder!"
It was the Baron himself, and he carried a Luger that was pointed right at me. I haven't had many guns pointed at me, and I still don't enjoy the experience. At all.
"Keep your hands where I can see them," he ordered. I wasn't going to do anything else, that gun looked nasty. Very nasty.
"Matron!" the Baron called.
Matron entered. She smiled wickedly as she saw me. I knew she had it in for me.
"Scruff. So, I was right, you are a spy!" Matron laughed. "And now you are caught. Caught like a rat in a trap."
I had no clever answer. I'd been caught red-handed.
"Stay right where you are," the Baron said. I nodded.
"Okay."
"You're clever, Scruff, but not clever enough. Who sent you, and why?"
"I'm not going to tell you," I answered.
"Your sister, of course. And who is she working for?"
"I don't know!" I protested, hoping that he'd believe me.
"Take her away!"
Three prefects stormed into the room and dragged me out. I was taken away, struggling, and thrown into a cell.
I lay for a while on the cell's cement floor, contemplating my future, which might be very short and was likely to be very nasty either way. Either the Baron would believe that I didn't know who Sis was working for, or he wouldn't. If he believed me, I might meet with an 'accident', and end up dead. If he didn't believe me I might be tortured until I told him what he wanted to know. Both possibilities sounded kind of depressing.
I can sleep anywhere, and even the cement floor of the cell didn't keep me awake. I drifted off to sleep.
"Scruff!"
I was woken by someone pouring a bucketful of icy water over me. " sat up with a yell of shock and saw Matron standing over me.
"Spy, the Baron will see you now. You will tell him everything, or you will suffer the consequences!"
Two prefects frog-marched me from the cell to Baron Von Zstrongarm's office in the Grange. The Baron was pacing the floor.
"Scruff, I do not know whether to be disappointed in you or proud of you."
"Sir?"
"You opened both my safes. That indicates a great deal of skill. Last night I was angry, today I am merely interested. You are Lilian Hill, daughter of the muti-millionaire James Hill, on your mother's side the grandaughter of billionaire Jonathan Philpot?"
"I am," I nodded.
"Remarkable! And yet your own inheritance was stolen by your step-mother before her mysterious death. Yes, very remarkable. Of course, you killed her."
He thought I was like him! I could use that.
"Yes."
"Well! Then I apologise for putting you in group 'D'. Of course we could only look at your academic record. Haupt!"
The brutal head of the Lower Sixth strode in and saluted.
"Headmaster!"
"Scruff here opened both my safes within the space of ten minutes last night. I think that her talent needs to be cultivated. Take her back to class!"
I'd escaped. But I knew I would be watched closely from now on.

The School for Scruff: 16.

[Back at Pudding Norton College]
I held my head under the cold tap. Finding that didn't cool me down enough, I took off my shoes and stepped fully dressed under a cold shower. My clothes were sopping wet anyhow.
Yes, I'd just finished another metalwork 'class'. I hated the subject more than I'd ever hated any subject before. But then it wasn't really a subject, was it? It was slave labour, pure and simple.
I made my way back to the dorm, where I changed into fresh, dry clothes beforeheading off for my next lesson.
I actually finished the day still alive and even still awake. I still went to bed early, alone.

And again the Outsider visited me.
"Bad news," she told me. "Your sister's been hurt. You have to get into the head's study and find out his timetable."
"He teaches..."
"Not that timetable..." Emily saw me smiling and groaned.
"You clown!"
"I know what you mean, his timetable of his plans," I laughed. "I'll try to get it for you. Is Sis badly hurt?"
"Just a badly bruised ankle," The Outsider reassured me. "She needs to rest for a couple of days."
"Did you tell her what they're doing to me?" I asked. "They're using me as slave labour to work a coining factory! You know I don't complain much, but it's horrid!"
"I know," Emily replied. "But it's a lot better than being black and smoky all the time."
She had a point, I thought. Whatever happened to me, it probably wasn't going to be as serious as what Ramdit Ghul had done to her.
"Okay, Emily." I stood up. "I'll try to find it. Why can't you?"
"Security at the Grange. I thought you might be able to get in as a pupil."
"I'll see what I can do."
I dressed quickly in my school uniform and left the dorm, headed in the direction of the headmaster's house. I'd seen it before, of course, and I thought it was rather nasty that WE had to sleep in buildings that were practically ruins, while Baron Von Zstrongarm had a mansion. It just isn't really fair. After all, he charged ten thousand a year for us to go!
I smiled winningly at the guard, who looked for all the world like a Nazi stormtrooper, and he let me in. At once I hurried to the study and, finding it deserted, began a frantic search.
Although the desk was unlocked, it had nothing of interest in. Even the safe, which I opened using skills Sis taught me, just had the usual stuff in it, no timetable of his plans. I sat down on the floor, pondering my next move.
Which is when I saw the strange piece of carpet under the desk. I pulled it up and smiled. There was a safe in the floor!
Working feverishly, I got the safe open in minutes and began to rifle it. I pulled out a file of documents, and saw a small piece of paper that looked kind of like what I was looking for.
It was! I closed the safe, replaced the carpet, and was about to get up when the door opened.

The School for Scruff: 15.

As the tunnel roof gave way Sir Richard and I dived for cover. I pushed him out of the way of a descending timber, and fell myself. I felt something fall on my left leg, and I fell face-first into the stagnant water on the floor of the tunnel. I managed to raise my mouth out of the water and I called out to Sir Richard.
"My leg's trapped!"
"I can see that, lass," he turned on his torch and I smiled.
"Oh! You're all right!"
"My dear girl, it takes a lot more than a collapsing tunnel to finish Sir Richard Arcos!"
"Which I'm glad to hear. But can you lift this debris off my leg?"
He shook his head.
"Sorry. Doctor's orders, no amazing feats of strength allowed."
"I was afraid of that. Get Emily."
"Emily tells me she's twelve, lass."
"Yes, but whatever Ramdit Ghul did to her gave her superhuman strength as well as making her look like a particularly scary ghost."
"Well, at least it has some advantages. I'll get her."
He left me in the dark, lying on my front in six inches of cold stagnant water. The smell alone was... well, kind of nasty, really. I was pretty glad when I saw Emily's two glowing red eyes in the tunnel.
"I'll get you out in a second," she said confidently. She was right too. I tried to stand up, but my leg was too painful. Sir Richard picked me up.
"I thought your doctor..."
"Picking up someone as light as you isn't an amazing feat of strength. Well, I'll try to get the servants to help Emily and me clear the tunnel. I'll get the local doctor to see to that leg of yours."
"I feel like a helpless female..."
"Nonsense! You saved my life, lass. Now that counts for something. I may even have some manorial position I could appoint you to."
"Like manorial champion?" I volunteered.
"The very thing! Of course it does involve having to fight the Royal champion in single combat whenever it is the government get round to demanding I pay a few taxes, but you're a clever girl."
"And a black-belt in Judo."
"Of course, so's your grandmother. You don't look much like her, but you are a lot like her, you know. Sam shot her once. Entirely by accident, of course."
"Where's the 'of course'?"
"Point taken."
Sam was really quite nice to me when I was brought up. She helped Emily undress me and put me in a warm bath before the doctor came and said all I had was some bad bruising. I felt worst for Scruff. After all, I was leaving a lot up to her.

The School for Scruff: 14.

Sir Richard changed his clothes pretty quickly for a man of his age. His loss, I changed my clothes at about normal speed for a girl my age and kept him waiting for ten minutes.
"I don't feel right," I confided to him as we descended the stairs.
"As I told your grandmother once, lass, it's because that outfit's not meant to be worn in the cold light of day. Or even the warm light of day. It's meant to be worn at night. Still, you'll feel better once you're down in the secret tunnel. I'm told it's usually dark down there."
We passed Sam and Emily, who were both drinking milkshakes now. Sir Richard unlocked the cellar door. Then he unbarred it and turned off the security devices.
"I value my beer," he explained. "Anyone attempting to steal it will find that my beer cannot be stolen."
"Okay," I said with a smile. Good old Sir Richard! He knows a thing or two about beer. In fact he's a world expert, and knows everything there is to know about pubs.
We descended into the dark brick-vaulted cellars of Little Pudding manor. I felt a lot more comfortable in my Girl in Grey costume there.

"You said my grandmother..."
"Yes. Dear Emma, such a great friend. You must come for Christmas, you know, I've invited her."
"Oh! My maternal grandmother!"
"But of course. She lives in New York, when I was a movie magnate I had an office there, and we often met. Usually when I was burgling people, or when there were Ninjas out to kill me. She's pretty good at dealing with Ninjas. Scruff takes after her, you know. But anyhow, we were looking for a secret tunnel."
He opened the front of what looked like a large barrel of wine and we stepped inside.
"I have two others. One goes to the church, the other comes up in the pub's beer cellars. That one has very heavy security indeed. But this is the one I've never explored. Well, there's always a first time." he gave me a hand up. For a man his age he's very sprightly. Maybe it's all that fighting Ninjas.
"Ah, the good old days, when I was young and Nazi-bashing was an Olympic sport. I remember once when I flew into Pudding Norton airfield in a Junkers stuffed with Nazi officers. What great days they were! First time I saw this house. Now, the first time I saw your grandmother I was beseiged in the club in New York by a whole load of Ninjas. Most unsporting it was too. One of them threw her out of a window. She's small, like you and Scruff. And the bloke was big. Like a grand piano..."
Still reminiscing about my grandmother, Sir Richard, holding a powerful torch, led me down the passage that led towards the Grange. I like Sir Richard, and he obviously admired my grandmother (who by the way was about Scruff's age when she first met Sir Richard in 1954).
"Ah, what happy days they were. And she was already in love with your grandfather, so Sam couldn't suspect her of being in love with me. That didn't stop her, of course..."
There was about six inches of water in the bottom of the tunnel. We moved slowly forward, scaring rats as we went.
Suddenly I heard something shift. There was a rumble, and I saw the ceiling bulge, then give way!
Desperately, we dived for cover.

The School for Scruff: 13.

I was woken in the morning by someone tipping my bed up so I rolled out of it and onto the floor. I looked up to see which of my fellow students had done it and saw Matron.
That figured. I'd overslept.
"Assembly!" Matron said. I made a grab for my uniform, but Matron dragged me away before I could grab anything.
I've never turned up at an assembly in just my pyjamas before. I got a lot of funny looks and quite a few sniggers.
I could have slept through it. It was just the Baron doing his Hitler act again, giving us all a whole load of rot about his ruling the world. But Pudding Norton College is co-educational, and there I was in just my pyjamas with a whole lot of teenage boys looking at me. I was just glad my pyjamas aren't revealing.

After assembly I tried to run back to the dorm to put some more clothes on. Haupt wasn't having any of that. Apparently now this was my punishment for daring to sleep in. I hadn't dared, I'd just been exhausted!
I tried to explain, but he wouldn't listen, and I did Geography in my pyjamas. I was able to go back to the drm during break and dress. Boy, am I glad I'm not the sort of girl who takes great pride in her personal appearance. In fact I'm the sort of girl who takes NO pride in her personal appearance, but that's another story.
The novelty of Pudding Norton College was starting to wear off. The maths class just got me down. I can't do maths. Well, not very well. It's one of those subjects I failed at GCSE (well, there were a lot of them), and in my tired state I'm afraid I got cross with the teacher. That was kind of a learning experience. I was grabbed by two prefects, blindfolded, and dragged off. Then I was tied up and put in a black cell until lunch time. I was sure I'd been in there for three days when they pulled me out, and I really needed to go to the loo.
I hoped Sis would get me out soon.

[Back at the Manor].
Sir Richard and I were in the library examining a detailed plan of the manor house and its surroundings. Emily was sitting in an easy chair drinking a milkshake and 'keeping an eye on us' for Lady Arcos. Now, don't take this the wrong way, I like Sir Richard. But I'm just not interested in having an affair with a man of eighty. I'm just not. I don't know any girl my age with my kind of money who is.
"As you can see," Sir Richard said, "there's a tunnel that connects with my wine cellars. Old plans show it connected with the Grange, the building that is now Baron Von Zstrongarms's home. If the tunnel's still intact you ought to be able to use it to get from here to there."
"If it's intact?"
"During the War RAF Pudding Norton was built on the Grance estate. That's now the school. The Grange itself was turned into the Officers' Mess. The RAF might have blocked the tunnel."
"Only one way to find out," I said jauntily. "I'll go and change."
I ran from the room. Lady Arcos was in the hall, and she looked suspiciously at me.
"Your husband's a wonderful man," I told her, "but I don't want to have an affair with him."
"Why not?"
Great, she was suspicious.
"Because you're too good a friend of mine." I hugged her.
"Yeah, you're a pal," she agreed.
The library door opened and Sir Richard stuck his head out.
"Darling, do you mind if I take our guests down one of the secret passages in the cellar?"
"Yeah. I wanna keep Emily here."
"Then Emily stays. You're sure you don't mind my wandering around secret passages with a girl in a close-fitting grey costume?"
"Yeah."
"Good. Then I'll go and change as well."

The School for Scruff: 12.

Karen told me we had Theatre Studies after lunch. Well, nothing could make theatre studies any worse than it is anyhow. We spent an hour analyzing dull play be some Swedish playwright, and I was glad to get out again into the open air. Funny, I don't like Swedish playwrights. But I'm not alone. I can use the internet, and I know some things.
Our next class was another Games lesson. But we didn't have to change for this one, we got given pistols and the Games Mistress began to train us in assassination. Haupt stood by (behind a screen of bullet-proof glass) watching us. I'm a pretty good shot (I was in the target-shooting club at my old school), and I hoped he wasn't thinking of training me as an assassin.
The fact that we had swimming next made me think we might be being trained as footsoldiers. Especially as the pool was ice-cold, and the emphasis was how long we could spend underwater.

But I've been at a public school before. I know the drill. Lots and lots of sport, and rotten food. I expected that. It was things like being trained to kill that worried me. So did the enthusiasm some of the girls who had gone through Pudding Norton College's earlier years showed.
Swimming was followed by what was already my least favourite subject - metalwork. Another hour of back-breaking labour in what felt like one of the inner circles of hell. I'm not even sure what the next lesson was, I spent all of it in a semi-conscious state.

Supper was worse than lunch, according to Lucy. I just ate it and was grateful, I felt that bad. Then I went straight to my dorm, changed into my pyjamas, and crashed.
It was dark when I woke, and I was alone in the dorm. I'd left the (broken) window open, and suddenly something slipped in through the window.
It would have scared anyone else, but I smiled at the sight of the familiar black smoky figure with glowing red eyes.
"Oh, Outsider!" I sighed, "I'm so pleased to see you! This place is a training camp. Baron Von Zstrongarm is training an army of soldiers and undercover agents to take over the world!"
"So that's what he's up to," Emily sat down on my bed. "Wow! Even Sir Richard Arcos didn't think of that!"
"The Baron told us himself. I'm being trained in assassination, and other girls are being trained to sell sex to servicemen so the Baron can get information about troop movements. Emily, this is SERIOUS!"
Emily laughed. I shook my head.
"Emily!"
"Sorry, but did you know you're for sale?" she pointed at the wall behind me.

I looked. Indeed, I was. Someone had written 'Scruff for Sale' on the wall.
My mentor certainly wanted to get rid of me.
"It's to do with the school's mentoring scheme. My mentor wants to sell me off to someone else."
"If you say so. Wha can we do, Scruff?"
"How did you get in?"
"I can disappear, remember? I came in through the front gate with a delivery. Sir Richard's working on finding an easier way in."
"For who?"
"Your sister, of course. Oh-oh! Matron!"
Emily vanished. The door opened and the matron came in.
"Well! Scruff! Why aren't you in the Lower Sixth common room or in the boys' dorm enjoying yourself?"
"I'm tired."
"You're tired?"
"I'm in Group 'D'."
"I see. Goodnight then. Who were you talking to?"
"Myself."
"Not a radio?"
"You can search if you like."
That was a mistake. Matron DID search. She found nothing, and at last I was able to go back to bed. Emily left me to sleep, and soon I was fast asleep.

The School for Scruff: 11.

History was really kind of fun. And no, I'm not going to tell you what Haupt said, some of it might be useful. And I don't want any of you lousing up any get rich quick scheme I might want to run later in life.
The next subject wasn't so much fun. It was P.E. (I think it stands for physical Education), also called 'Games'.
The Games Mistress was fierce. Okay, Games Mistresses usually are (the one at my old school looked like a concentration camp guard), but this one was sadistic. And it wasn't games the way I ever knew it. We were forced to dress in 'sexy' (me? I don't think so) underwear and try to 'sell' ourselves to a group of upper-sixth boys. Guess what. No-one wanted Scruff. I wasn't too cut up about it, mind you. The boys were going to spend real money and bed the girls that night. I don't like that idea. At all.
"Scruff!" the Games mistress called me over. I ran over to her.
"Yes, miss?" I gave her my most appealing look. Sis says no-one can resist it. Apparently it makes them want to hug me.
"What ARE we going to do with you? If you can't attract a single boy dressed like that you're not going to attract any if you've got more clothes on."
"Miss?'
"We're going to have to find something else you can do."
My first day, and I was officially a problem. Not bad going, I think. If I'd been able to stay longer I might have been the biggest problem in the Lower Sixth.
Or dead, and I don't like the idea of that, so I'm glad I got out when I did.
Then we had some more conventional sports. I loved badminton, but I got banned from that after I hit another girl in the eye. Apparently I have enthusiasm but no talent.
The games mistress at my last school said the same thing. They might be right, too.

At lunch I met up with Karen and Lucy again. Lucy looked rather confused.
"Scruff! What sort of school is this? They were teaching me how to KILL a man in gymn!"
"They were trying to teach me how to sell my body," I replied.
"NO!"
"Oh, it's all right," Karen grinned. "No-one would buy Scruff's body. I'm Karen, by the way, I'm in Scruff's group."
"Hi, I'm Lucy. Scruff, in art we were being taught how to forge banknotes!"
"Yeah," I smiled as we stood in the queue for lunch in a filthy canteen. "We're making coin blanks in metalwork."
"Group 'D' is Haupt's own punishment batallion," Karen explained. "We get dirty jobs, and the prettier of us get trained as tarts to pick up servicemen so we can get information out of them. Scruff looks too... scruffy to pick anyone up. Hey, I saw a bloodstained bandage on your arm. What happened to you?"
"Accident," I replied. "Oh! food!"
As I'd expected, it was awful stuff. The cheapest food in the world - and Turkey Twizzlers too.

"Ugh!" Lucy wrinkled her nose. I smiled.
"What're you beefin' about?" the dinner lady asked, eyes pure poison (like her food).
"Nothing," I said brightly. I moved on.
"I'm vegetarian!" Lucy wailed. The dinner lady laughed.
"Not any more you're not," she said nastily.
Lucy ate hardly anything. Me? Sis says that I've got a pretty healthy appetite. She's right. Anyhow, I needed the energy for the afternoon. And that night I was going to report to the Outsider.

The School for Scruff: 10.

I stood for a few seconds by the door of the metalwork room, a room that was like an oven. My last experience of metalwork had been kind of interesting. I'd been meant to heat a steel rod until it would be hot enough to manipulate, and I'd been kind of nervous, so I left the rod in until it melted. That broke the furnace and got me banned from the class and told that knitting might be more in my line. It wasn't, I got tangled up in a ball of wool and banned from that too. I'm just not a very practical girl. Only Haupt thought I might be.
"This is... metalwork?" I said.
Haupt laughed sadistically.
"Now, Scruff, you have work to do!" he handed me a leather apron to protect my school uniform.
"My hair..." I began to object. Waist-length hair can sort of get in the way when you're working over a hot furnace.
"Use your tie!"
I thought of telling him I respected the school tie too much to do that, then I thought better of it and used my tie to tie my hair back. I shed my shoes and blouse too, for comfort.

Haupt showed me to my place - I was to throw pieces of scrap metal into the crucibles on one of the furnaces. It was hot and nasty work, my face got hot and painful, and I was glad of the extra insulation supplied by the bandage on my right arm. I was worked the hardest I've been for years, and by the time the bell rang I was dripping wet. I was overjoyed to have a little rest during break time, to be able to take off my shoes and lie down on the grass.
"You're the new girl."
I looked up and saw a frightened-looking girl about my age. She was red-faced and dripping with perspiration too, so I guessed she'd been in the metalwork room with me.
"One of them," I gasped. "The one who's only fit for group 'D'."
"That was just metalwork."
"And what comes next? I don't have a timetable."
"You'll find out," the girl said ominously. "I'm Karen."
"I'm Scruff. It's Lilian really, but everyone calls me Scruff. It just seems to fit."
"It does,"| Karen agreed.
"History!" Haupt boomed. We jumped to it.
History was better for me. I could sit at the back while Haupt (who seemed to have personal charge of group 'D') started the lesson.
"Our subject this term is the history of fraud and confidence tricks," he started. I brightened as much as I could after metalwork and tried to pay attention. Well, you never know. It might pay off some day. Sis says I need to learn more skills to help her fight crime.

The School for Scruff: 9.

Pudding Norton College isn't a proper school. But you knew that. So did I when I agreed to go there to help Sis with her investigations. I even saw pictures of the real place, and I thought I knew about it.
I didn't. You have to be a pupil at the place to really know it.
Assembly was held in what felt and looked like an old aircraft hangar with no heating and holes in the roof. There were no chairs either, so I had to sit on the floor.
Baron Von Zstrongarm strode onto the platform at one end of the hall, and we stood up, as we had been ordered to.
"Welcome to Pudding Norton College," he said sadistically. "Yes, it is rather different from what you were expecting, is it not? And don't think of escaping! The perimeter is patrolled by savage dogs, there are electric fences, and guard towers with machine-guns and searchlights. No-one has ever escaped from Pudding Norton College to tell the world what happens here! Do not think that your deaths will accomplish anything, Doctor Von Rad, my deputy, is an expert in propaganda, and he will create a convincing story of how you died."
A nasty-looking little man with glasses grinned from the staff chairs.
"This year we welcome three newcomers to our Lower Sixth, Lucy Powell, Lilian Hill and Henry Conrad. Mr. Haupt is head of the Sixth Form. Haupt..."
A huge man in a paramilitary uniform stood up and grinned.
"Well. Will our newcomers please stand up?"
I stood, feeling rather exposed in the middle of an aircraft hangar.
"Ah yes. After assembly report to me, and I will arrange your courses. Rather than A-Levels we here at Pudding Norton College have chosen the International Diploma of Excellence, a qualification we feel is a lot more demanding," here he laughed wickedly. "A LOT more demanding!" The rest of the staff laughed too, something I didn't like.
"Sit down!" he barked. I sat quickly. Von Zstrongarm stepped forward again.
"Well, so we begin another year here at Pudding Norton College. Another year of labour. All I have to offer you," here he interjected an evil laugh. "All I have to offer you is blood, sweat, toil and tears. We will break you, conform you to our will! And soon, soon you will be my willing slaves! You will serve me! Serve me and help me to rule the world! You are the future! My army! And for now, for now you will be preparing for the coming struggle. Blood and fire will forge a new world! And I, Baron Von Zstrongarm, I WILL BE THE RULER OF THE WORLD! IT IS MY DESTINY! IT IS OUR DESTINY!"
He went on in the same strain. Apparently we would either be soldiers or agents of the Baron's evil organisation. Not me, I'd help smash it!

At last Assembly, which seemed to consist of listening to a rant by the Baron and singing a song praising him, was over. Lucy, Henry and I went to see Haupt.
"Ah, my new Sxth-form students," Haupt looked us over. "Henry, you are a fine strong young man. Lucy, you are a lovely young woman. Lilian..."
"Scruff."
"What?"
"Scruff. Everyone calls me Scruff."
"Ja, I see why. Lilian, you are a Scruff. Hmmm. Carole has seen you?"
"Oh, yes, Mr. Haupt," I said sweetly.
"I see. Scruff, let me be honest with you, I do not know what we will do with you. I shall think of something, I'm sure. In the meantime, you... failed five GCSEs?"
"I did."
It was true. I'm not going to say why.
"Then you will be with group 'D'. I hope we shall be able to make something out of you. Lucy, Henry, you are in group 'A'. Miss Von Tepp, take Henry and Lucy to class. I will take Scruff."
Haupt led me away. I was glad I was in there as a spy - if it had been for real I'd have been kind of upset.
"Scruff, you are perhaps more of a practical girl than you are academic?"
"Maybe."
"Then you will like group 'D'. You have metalwork first!"
I was practically pushed into the metalwork building by Mr. Haupt. There I was handed a pair of protective goggles which I put on before Haput opened the door. I hurried in to avoid being pushed.
A great wall of heat hit me. Looking I saw a darkened room lit be the red of furnaces. On the benches molten metal was being poured into moulds.
Coin-shaped moulds. I was in a coining factory!

The School for Scruff: 8.

I jumped out of bed and ran downstairs, followed closely by Emily. There we met Lady Arcos in the hall. She was carrying a genuine Tommy-gun.
"Did I wake you up?" she asked.
"What?!"
"Taxman. They turn up late hoping to catch us by surprise. But I always keep a gun handy." She put it back in its place on the wall. I heard Emily laughing.
"So it was YOU?" she asked. Lady Arcos nodded.
"Me. But those guys are always coming round here asking for money!"
We went back to bed.

Scruff here. I got up early, the way schoolgirls have to, even at Pudding Norton College. I saw Lucy was already awake, and she looked like she hadn't had much sleep. Maybe it was the beds, or maybe it was the fact that some of the tough girls who had done their previous education at Pudding Norton had been threatening her.
"Lucy," I went over and sat on her bed. "You look awful."
"You don't."
"I'm tough," I told her. "Come on, you need breakfast! Don't let them get to you, it's what they want."
"That's easy for you to say, Scruff. After you used Judo on them yesterday they won't touch you. Scruff, this isn't the school I thought it would be. It's... Amanda wants me to become a call-girl! And she says that the school wants me to as well! My parents said it would be a nice school!"
"They thought it would be. My sister thought the same." That was a lie, of course, but I wasn't going to admit I was the Girl in Grey's assistant.
"I want to go home..."
"You won't."
The speaker was one of the Pudding Norton girls, a tough-looking girl with bleached blonde hair.
"But..."
"If you went home you'd tell your parents about Pudding Norton College, and you can't do that. So you're staying. And you'll write letters home saying how much you're enjoying it here, or you'll be punished."
"Stop that!" I warned. The girl tried to hit me, but she ended up flat on her back on the floor after a Judo throw.
"Come on," I said, "Breakfast."
One of the great things about being as untidy as me is you can go to breakfast at school in your pyjamas and no-one cares.

Carole met me in the dining-hall and looked me over.
"Well, your legs are okay," she mused. "But you'll never make a call-girl."
"I never wanted to be one."
"I suppose we could train you as a con-girl."
"You could leave me alone. I'm going to work as my sister's secretary."
"If that's all your ambition, kid, I'm going to have to sell you."
"SELL me?"
"Of course! See if anyone else wants to be your mentor. There's quite a trade in mentorees some years."
Well, at least I was getting a lot of information that a detective would find useful.

The School for Scruff: 7.

Hi, Scruff here. Our mentors at Pudding Norton College seemed more interested in grooming us for careers as call-girls, and Carole decided I was totally unsuited to such a career. Apparently high-class prostitutes aren't allowed to be untidy the way I am. Like I was bothered by that. I already have a nice life, and I'm strictly moral. In that area anyhow.
The dorm was pretty grotty, walls cracked, the wallpaper peeling, and all furnishings felt like they'd been made cheaply by pupils in woodwork classes. I later found out that they had. Apparently I do have the sort of detective skills Sis has.
The bed was a wooden plank with just a blanket and a sheet to lie on, and another sheet to go on top of me. There was just one pillow. Nothing was particularly clean or new.
"Different from what you're used to, rich girl?" Carole asked.
"I'm not rich. I used to be rich."
"Different?"
"Yes, but I don't mind." I kicked off my shoes and swung my legs up onto the bed.
"Term starts to-morrow," Carole gloated. I stuck my tongue out at her and she left.

[Meanwhile back at the pub] Emily had won the contest with Lady Arcos, and the pub's darts board would never be used again. Emily sat down again next to me with a flurry of black smoky garments. She took a huge gulp of water and laughed.
"My crossbow beats your gun any time," she said. Lady Arcos laughed.
"You're smart! Have you killed lots of people?"
"A few," Emily confessed.
"Would you like to be our daughter?"
"I'm sorry," Sir Richard said with a smile. "Sam likes large families, and after we had our first child we were told we couldn't have any more if Sam wanted to stay alive. So she started adopting.
"Sorry," Emily shook her head. "I'm kind of busy. And the Girl in Grey's so nice to me."
"I thought you worked alone?" Sir Richard said. I laughed.
"What can I say? I came back from Spain to find Scruff had moved in to my flat, then Emily turned up. She's staying with the Green Man most of the time, but if she wants to stay with me I've got a spare room for mer."
"Good for you. I always thought you should have some back-up. And now our cook should have prepared a vast banquet for us. Shall we retire?"
"If you mean go back to your place, of course."
Sir Richard wasn't kidding about the vast banquet. Fortunately Emily has a healthy appetite, but I ended the day feeling rather bloated and glad there was nothing to do that night except to sleep.
Emily elected to share a four-poster with me, and I fell asleep next to her black smoky form.

It was two in the morning when I was woken by a terrifying scream and the sound of a machine-gun being fired.

The School for Scruff: 6.

[Girl in Grey here] Sir Richard Arcos took us to the village pub. That isn't too surprising on its own, but one of us was Emily 'Outsider' Fairbairn. She's a lovely girl, but she is black and smoky, and her eyes are red and they glow.
"I'll have a pint of bitter," Sir Richard said as we walked towards the pub. I looked nervously at Emily's smoky black form. Sir Richard had said no-one in Little Pudding questioned the squire, but I thought that the idea of the squire bringing Emily into the village pub might be too much even for them.
"I'll have a lemonade," I said.
"With or without vodka? I ask because Sam likes a shot of Vodka in hers."
"JUST lemonade. Emily?"
"Water," she replied. I know it seems odd, but of course Emily has to eat and drink. She's still human (I think).
Sir Richard pushed open the door of the village pub.
"Beer, landlord!" he cried. "Beer!"
"He always says that," Lady Arcos whispered to me. I smiled.
"I know. And you've been married over fifteen years, never a cross word?"
"Actually she bunged a whole tea set at me two months after the wedding," Sir Richard corrected me. "It was a gift from a friend of ours at Scotland Yard. I deserved it, of course. Landlord, a lemonade and a glass of water for my friends here."
The landlord signified his agreement in a Norfolk accent so thick I couldn't understand a word of it.
"And my table," Sir Richard sat down and we joined him.
"I suppose your sister will be settling in at Pudding Norton College right now?" Sir Richard said in his kindly way. "Sam, did you bring a revolver with you?"
"Natch," she replied.
"Why would she need to?" I asked.
"Oh, she has her reasons. Sometimes Sam sees someone she feels like killing. Usually tax inspectors, so you shouldn't worry."
"Yeah. I don't kill people as cute as you," Lady Arcos reassured me. I tried to look reassured.
"I prefer a crossbow," Emily said. She took something from inside her robes and laid it on the table. When she let go of it it resolved itself into a crossbow of a strange Oriental design.
"Come on!"
Lady Arcos and Emily started using the pub's darts board to show off their target-shooting skills.


I used a Judo throw to get the girl off me, then I got my hat back. We were supposed to be settling in. Instead I was helping Lucy keep some of the old Pudding Norton girls off her stuff. We were back-to-back, ready to fight all comers and maybe even to win.
"Girls!"
A fierce-looking lady in a starched white uniform entered. At once the girls snapped to attention.
"Matron!" one exclaimed.
"Matron. And what have we here?" she peered at us. "New girls. Who are you, new girl?" she looked threateningly in my direction.
"I'm Scruff," I said brightly.
"Figures. So you're Lucy. I hope you'll be happy here. Come in!"
Two Upper Sixth girls entered. Both of them looked like prostitutes.
"Carole, this is Scruff. I suppose she's Lilian Hill."
"I am," I said.
"Damn," Carole replied. There are better things to say for a girl's self-confidence.
"Carole will be your mentor this year. You haven't been here before, Scruff, you have to be taught about the College. Amanda..."
"So you're Lilian," Carole sighed. "I was told you're a rich orphan."
"Actually that's my sister. I'm a poor orphan. My stepmother embezzled my inheritance."
"Poor Scruff! I can see why they call you that, though. Hell! I was counting on you being blonde and pretty. No-one's going to pay big bucks for a kid like you."
"PAY?" I asked, astonished.
"Of course! Well, you're new. Oh well, maybe someone wants to swap a first year for you..."
This wasn't what I'm used to.

The School for Scruff: 5.

Scruff here. The journey from London to Norwich went well, Lucy and I chatted most of the way there, and the two hours seemed a lot shorter than that. Of course she joked about my appearance and said I ought to brush my hair - but everyone except Sis says that, and the only reason she doesn't is that she knows me too well.
At Norwich we piled off the train. With four younger girls and half a dozen younger boys in Pudding Norton College uniforms we waited outside the station to be picked up by a school bus. I was rather glad there hadn't been any sixth form boys on the train. That might have been a little complicated.
We didn't have long to wait, and the sun was shining anyhow. I left my hat off and sat down on a piece of stone that was either a bench or some sort of sculpture. Either way it was handy to sit on.

The bus was quite impressive. It looked band new and it had 'Pudding Norton College' painted on the side. We all dutifully lined up as it pulled up and the doors opened. A woman in a smart summer dress stepped out.
"Good morning, I an Miss Tully. Form an orderly line! Youngest first!"
Lucy and I got on last. A large man loaded our bags into the bus's luggage compartment.
"Aren't you glad your parents sent you to a private school?" Lucy sighed. I smiled.
"I'm an orphan. It was my sister who sent me."
I did not tell her why. After all, that would have been a bit silly.
The bus drove off. I've never been to Norwich before, and I thought it was a very pretty place. I wished we had time to stop there, but we were going straight to Pudding Norton.

That took another two hours. Some of the younger children became rather restless - those that didn't have ipods or PSPs. At last we reached the gates of the school. The bus drove through, and we looked through the windows.
I knew what to expect, having seen the pictures that Sir Richard Arcos had sent to sis. The others were expecting a gothic mansion. They were disappointed.

"Hey!" Lucy cried, "What's that?"
"The dormitory block," the woman who had greeted us answered, her voice cruel. "Welcome to Pudding Norton College, children." she looked me over. "And you, Miss Hill, fit in beautifully with your surroundings."
"Thanks," I smiled. "It's kind of different from the last school I was at."
We were herded off the bus and Jane and I were led through squalid corridors, corridors where the paint was peeling, windows were broken and grafitti adorned the walls. I could see what Miss Tully meant when she said I'd fit in beautifully - the buildings were even scruffier than I am!
The upper sixth girl who was leading us looked... well, she looked like she wasn't a good girl. She was wearing very heavy make-up, and smelled of cigarette smoke.
"Lower sixth girls' dorm," she threw open the door. We entered a squalid room lined with beds, on most of which hard-boiled looking girls lounged, mostly in their underwear. Some of them were smoking.
"Hi," a girl who looked like a call-girl greeted us. "I'm Rosie, head of lower sixth."
"I'm Scruff," I said. Rosie laughed.
"Of course you are! Jenny! Show Scruff to her bed!"
Jenny was a small redhead in pink lacy undies. She showed me to a bed.
"There you are. Well, so the Baron got a couple of girls from outside this year!"
"He... doesn't always?"
"Sister, Pudding Norton College is a life sentence!

I hoped not.

The School for Scruff: 4.

Scruff here. After the train pulled out of the station I took off my straw hat and lay back in the seat to rest. It was a warm day, and my school uniform was kind of hot.
"Hello! I recognise that uniform!"
I looked up at the sound of the girl's voice. She wore a uniform identical to mine (except that her tie was done up properly), and she was blonde.
"Oh! Scruff," I introduced myself.
"Lucy." Lucy sat down next to me. "I'm guessing Scruff's not what your parents called you. For real, I mean."
"No, that's Lilian. But everyone calls me Scruff. Are you a new sixth-form student at Pudding Norton?"
"Oh yes. You?"
"Guilty. I got expelled from my last school."
"Really! Mine closed. What did you do?"
"Something illegal. You look a nice girl..."
"Well, everyone says so. But my dad really wants me to go to a boarding school. I know about his secretary, you see. I know he's having an affair with her."
"No!" I gasped.
"What are you listening to?"
"Episodes of 'The Shadow'," I confessed.
"Don't feel guilty! I'm sure it's fun."
The train sped on, out of London and into the Essex countryside. I was sorry to leave London behind, but it was only for a week or so.
Where were Sis and Emily, I wondered.

[Girl in Grey here] Comparing times we found that Emily and I were just leaving our home outside the Congestion Charging zone. We found that Emily was practically invisible against the black leather seats of the Jag, so she sat in the front passenger seat, and I had someone to chat to.
Of course I was wearing a light summer dress, not my Girl in Grey outfit. That came out at night.
We got from London to Norwich in about two hours. It took another two hours of driving down winding roads to get to Little Pudding. Sir Richard Arcos' house was a welcome sight, with its promises of a nice comfy chair and a friend to talk to.

I parked outside the Hall, jumped out of the car and ran up to the front door, where I rang the bell. I stood there a while, waiting and trying to look smart. Suddenly the door opened, and a tall white-haired gentleman with whiskers stepped out.
"Why, if it isn't our very own lady crime-fighter!" He lifted me clean off my feet. "Sam!"
His younger wife, Lady Samantha (younger by only about sixteen years) ran from the drawing-room to greet me.
"Well! The Girl in Grey in pink!" she exclaimed. Her voice betrayed her American origins.
"I brought a friend," I said, my feet still six inches off the ground. "Emily!"
Emily ran from the car. Lady Arcos squealed in delight.
"Gee! A real honest-to-goodness ghost!"
"I'm not a ghost," Emily prodded Lady Arcos. "An Indian occultist did this to me. I'm just a girl."
"Oh! Then you're kinda a funny-looking girl."
Suddenly Lady Arcos hugged Emily. She laughed.
"Yeah! Honey, I like her."
"I'm glad you do," Sir Richard put me down. "Shall we go inside."
We went inside. The house looked just the way an old English manor ought to, venerable and ancient, suits of armour here and there, weapons on the walls, and family portraits.
"Not mine," Sir Richard said as he saw me looking at them. "Some of 'em belong to Sam, and I bought the others with the house. Along with the ghost, I was told, but I've never seen her."
"Her?"
"Yes, a charming female ghost. The legend is that a former lady of the house got set on fire one cold winter's night, and she still roams the house, burning and screaming. Sam has slep for three weeks in the haunted bedroom, but she never saw or heard anything."
"Yeah. It's all a con," Lady Arcos muttered.
"But you're not here to discuss ghosts. We'll take your junk up to your room later."
"Room?"
"When you said you were bringing a young friend, Sam assumed she'd want to share a room with you. Doesn't she?"
"I'll be fine," Emily replied.
"Splendid! Then come into my Library."
We were conducted into a room lined with books. We sat down on a comfy leather sofa and Sir Richard paced in front of the firplace.

"I haven't met your sister, lass. I hope she's made of strong stuff."
"Scruff? You bet."
"Good, because Pudding Norton College is in fact an institution dedicated to training up criminals. The headmaster, Baron von Zstrongarm, is the most monstrous villain I've met in a long time - and we've met some pretty monstrous ones, haven't we, Sam?"
"Yeah," Lady Arcos smiled. She was a small, attractive lady, and she'd been a film star many years ago.
"Your sister will be in a place where every influence is intended to ruin her."
"Emily can be our contact."
"Yes, that's an idea. She looks like a ghost..."
"I can make myself invisible too," Emily demonstrated. Sir Richard grinned.
"By jove! You're a handy girl to have about the place!"
"Can we adopt her?" Lady Arcos asked. Sir Richard groaned.
"Sam! We've adopted more than a dozen girls over the course of our married life. I know you believe in large families, but don't you think fifteen girls ranging in age from senty-odd to twenty-three is enough?"
"No."
"Then we'll see. I think Emily has her own ideas."
"I do," Emily affirmed.
"Yeah!" Lady Arcos laughed. "I like girls who have their own ideas."
"Of course you do, they remind you of yourself. Now, I'll help get your junk in and we'll go down the pub."
"And Emily?"
"No-one will dare ask questions about my guests, lass. Sam has a regrettable habit of killing people who do."

I like the Arcos family.

The School for Scruff: 3.

We bought Scruff her school uniform, and it looked very smart too. Or it would have if she'd brushed her hair or done her tie up properly. But then, we don't call her Scruff for nothing!
The days went quickly. We had a lot of things to buy, books, pens, pencils, all the sort of things you have to buy when you're packing your little sister off to boarding school. Ms. Madison, the Green Man, ad the Outsider did their best to help, but poor old Emily's a little limited by her appearance.
And Lynette told me that she and the Green Man were going away on a case, so I'd have to look after the Outsider (she can't exactly go shopping looking like that, can she?).

At last the day came. Scruff actually woke early, and when it came for me to use the shower, I found it was occupied.
"Scruff!" I called.
"Sis!" she replied.
"Just checking!"
I returned to the kitchen to find Emily making breakfast. She was looking very black and smoky that morning.
"Hello!" she greeted me. "What's going on?"
"First I'm dropping Scruff off at Liverpool Street Station, then you and I are driving from London to Sir Richard Arcos' place at Little Pudding. Can you stay invisible that long, or will we have to resort to disguising you as a Muslim?"
"I'll stay invisible. Won't we be in your grey car?"
"Too risky. And not enough space in the boot for our things. No, we'll go in my Jaguar."
"And you don't want me to help load the car?"
"Emily, you'd scare the neighbours."
Scruff emerged from the shower wrapped in a towel and went off to dress. I quickly nipped into the shower before Emily could.

I sdropped Scruff and her luggage off at Liverpool Street Station, helping her load the things into the carriage. In her school uniform (Pudding Norton College likes to know who its students are) she looked kind of funny.
"Okay, Scruff, don't worry," I told her. She laughed.
"I won't." She started to get her ipod out of the pocket in her gymn-slip and I laughed.
"Then behave yourself. I'll see you later. You've got everything?"
"I think so."
"Good. So long."
"'Bye, Sis!"
The tannoy started telling everyone who wasn't travelling to leave the train, so I did. I waved Scruff off, then returned home to find that Emily had got all her luggage ready. Not that it was a lot, Apparently being black and smoky rather limits a girl's wardrobe.
"We're off?" she asked eagerly a I entered the room. I nodded.
"We're off, Emily. Just as soon as I've loaded the car."
And we were. As I drove away from the front of the building, an invisible Outsider in the front passenger seat and everything I might need in the boot and the back seat, I could not help wondering what this strange adventure would bring.
And I rather envied Scruff, sitting on the train with her ipod while I had to drive to Norfolk.