Evolve or die! 34

[Still Scruff, the Girl in Grey's mega-cool sister, trying to stop Toxic killing thousands.
"No!" I protested. "You'll kill thousands of people!"
"Thousands of unfit people, people who are no better than parasites on the face of the globe. Human evolution has stopped. Unless the human race begins to evolve once more, we are all doomed to extinction! They must die, little girl, so that the rest of us can live!"
We were manhandled to the edge of the viewing area, above the hub. Toxic took a glass tube from her right boot.
"And now evolution will begin again! The reign of superstition and weakness will end! The age of reason will come at last!"
I was in too much pain from my side to try to get free. I could see Laura was struggling, but she was held fast.
"Toxic, you're insane!" she cried.
"They said Columbus was mad, they said... ow!"
She dropped her glass tube onto the concrete floor, where it broke, and stared in horror at the crossbow bolt that stuck out of her right arm.
"They said Caligula was mad," Emily said, her red eyes blazing. Toxic stared in abject horror at the black smoky girl as she stepped forward.
"What's the matter, Toxic, can't face the fact that you just lost?" Laura said. Toxic did not answer, she just carried on staring at the Outsider.
"Blimey!" one of the thugs cried. "It's the bloomin' Outsider! Scarper!"
The men let go of me and Laura and ran for their lives. Toxic remained rooted to the spot.
"No!" she got out at last. "It's impossible! You can't exist!"
"I exist," Emily said. "So what?"
"There's no such thing as the Outsider! She's a myth, she's superstition! You can't exist!"
"I'm a magically-powered assassin..."
"No! You can't exist! You don't exist!" Toxic sank to the floor, hands held to her temples. Emily dissolved into a gas and drifted over to her.
"But I do. Look!"
"No! no Outsider! No magic! No! No! No!"
she was gibbering with fear now. I smiled painfully at Laura.
"Hey, Black Kitten, what do you know, Black-and-Smoky just has to look at Toxic to make her go nuts."
"Yeah. Guess her naturalistic worldview can't take it," Laura agreed, pulling back her cowl to wipe blood from her mouth. Toxic was screaming in terror now, as Emily swirled around her, laughing. Emily can be really funny sometimes, but Toxic didn't think so.
It was about then that Toxic passed out.
"I think we can go let your sister out now," Laura said. "I'll drive."
I just nodded. My broken rib really hurt.

Infernal Revenue

I opened my inbox this morning to find the following e-mail waiting for me:

After the last annual calculations of your fiscal activity we have determined that you are eligible to receive a tax refund under section 501 (c) (3) of the Internal Revenue Code. Tax refund value is $203.59.
Please submit the tax refund request and allow us 3-9 days in order to IWP the data received.

If you distribute funds to other organizations, your records must show whether they are exempt under section 497 (c) (15). In cases where the recipient org. is not exempt under section 497 (c) (15), you must have evidence the funds will
be used for section 497 (c) (15) purposes.

If you distribute fund to individuals, you should keep case histories showing the recipient's name and address; the purpose of the award; the manner of section; and the relationship of the recipient to any of your officers, directors, trustees, members, or major contributors.

To access the form for your tax refund, please click here


Regards,
Internal Revenue Service
Copyright 2007, Internal Revenue Service U.S.A. All rights reserved

I replied:

Dear Criminal idiot.

You are caught in my trap. You see, unknown to you, I am in fact a British crime-fighter who maintains the U.S. based e-mail address that you contacted for the purpose of trapping gullible fools like you. Your information has been passed on to the Sparrow, who is even at this moment draining your bank account and sending its contents to your previous victims, Whatever remains will go to charity. Oh, and expect a visit from the law. And if you happen to escape them, I'd be more than happy to teach you a few lessons. I warn you, it won't be pleasant, as I've learned that people like you need to be taught the lesson that crime does not pay, and you need to be taught it painfully.

Yours in anticipation

The Girl in Grey

Copyright 2007, The Girl in Grey, U.K. All rights reserved

Charles Edward ('Chuck') Wilkerson, sender of the message, is now penniless and languishing in a prison hospital. Emily had to stick her dagger in him a couple of times before he confessed.
A word to my readers. You know better than to think these 'phishing' scams are for real. The government NEVER gives you money!

Evolve or die! 33

[Scruff here, the Girl in Grey's cool teenaged sister and world's best sidekick]
Laura (Black Kitten) Moriarty and me fell back before the blindling blaze of Toxic's glove-mounted magnesium flare. I cried out in pain. Those things really hurt the eyes!
A green-gloved fist socked me in the jaw, and I fell back, only to be socked in the jaw again. I struck back, fighting blind against an opponent whose vision was fine, protected by her goggles. I hoped Laura's eyepieces had protected her eyes, otherwise I was going to be severely battered.
"So Jane sends her little sister to fight me!" Toxic spart as she punched me in the tummy. I squeaked in alarm.
"Ow!" I tasted blood in my mouth. Toxic's nasty. But then, if she was concentrating on me, she was ignoring someone who was far more dangerous, Laura. Still, I don't like being punched in the mouth. It hurts, and I'm way too young to want to get a tooth knocked out.
"You want to stop me! You religious people are weak, scared that I'll start human evolution again, that I'll destroy your little scheme! But you'll fail! You always fail!"
Nutcase, I know. But aren't half the super-villains in the world nutcases? Well, they are in the movies, and in the comic books. And the ones Sis fights.
I still couldn't see properly when Toxic threw me to the floor and kicked me in the ribs, where something snapped. Lying there in agony I heard Laura's yelps as Toxic beat her up.
She must have had her night vision lenses in place when Toxic let fly with that magnesium flare, I thought. That must have REALLY hurt. Hey, Laura's pretty cool, but people can be so NASTY to you when you've got those night vision lenses in. Yeah, but we chose to do this the hard way, rather than call the cops in. Hey, there's nothing cool about calling the cops when you've got the skills we have and could deal with the problem yourself.
My vision was starting to clear, and I was trying to forget what Toxic had done to my side. It's not at all fun, and I don't like hospitals. But I do like lying on the couch watching TV, so maybe it wasn't so bad. I'd have Emily to keep me company as well.
And right now Emily was our best hope for stopping Toxic. Times like that I wish I was good at chemistry as well as computers and fighting. But then I'd be the world's biggest geek, and that I don't want.
Someone grabbed me and pulled me roughly to my feet. I yelled in agony.
"Hey! I've got a broken rib here!" I protested.
"Yeah? Well I'll break some more of you," the thug said roughly. Once my vision had cleared again I saw that another thug held Laura fast. Toxic took off our belts and laughed.
"And now you'll see my triumph, the triumph of evolution!" she crowed in insane triumph. "Nothing in the world can stop me now!"

Evolve or die! 32

[Still Scruff, having the time of my life stopping the evil Toxic from killing every drug addict in London by adding something nasty to the water. Laura Moriarty, alias the uber-cool Black Kitten, and Emily Fairbairn, the super-scary Outsider, are helping me. 'Cos they're my friends.]
The Black Kitten hurled herself through the door after Toxic, her costume's black tail whipping through the door after her. I faced three very angry London thugs, each twice my size. I'm rather small. But then, they only knew how to slug people they didn't like. I do Judo and Karate and stuff.
Using my cape like a bullfighter does (and these guys were sort of like bulls. Big and fierce and sweaty and stupid), I fought them, using my small size against these huge thugs (like Sis said, I think there's a captive breeding programme for them). They were slow too, and I'm quick. Hey, I may look like a scruffy computer geek, but really I'm a pretty good gymnast. I leaped, letting two thugs crack heads. Next I kicked the third in the head, and he bellowed with rage.
Like I said, bull-like. And very, very stupid. I mean, they should be grateful I don't kill casually the way Emily does.
I smacked one man's head into the concrete wall, and he suddenly became very quiet and started sleeping peacefully on the floor.
One down, two left. A simple Judo throw smacked one into the other, and a kick laid one out.
I faced the remaining very angry thug with a smile. One of the cool things about my hair is that it's so messy already I don't care about getting it mussed in fights.
"Grrr. I'll break you, little girl!"
"I don't think so!"
I hit him with a haymaker to the jaw. Sometimes the easy stuff's the best. A lot of these thugs have glass jaws too - that's why they're not boxers.
The man whent down like a felled tree, and I cheered myself. Hey, there was no-one else around to do it. And I felt I deserved it. Three thugs, and they hadn't even been able to lay a finger on me. I rock! I am just SO cool. And Emily says I'm getting big-headed. Sorry.
I ran after Laura. I saw her ahead, grappling with Toxic. Toxic's gun was on the floor, and she was obviously quite evenly matched with Laura. The Black Kitten was trying to wrestle Toxic to the floor, while Toxic was just trying to get Laura off of her.
Time for me to help, I thought.
"Hey, Toxic! You suck!"
Well, I wanted to distract her.
Toxic ignored me, and I ran to help beat her up. Suddely the villainess touched one of the cylinders on her right glove, and a brilliant blue flash blinded both of us.

The man who said he was Wong

This morning I opened one of my e-mail accounts to find this e-mail:

Hello:

I am Mr. Peter Wong, one of Hang Seng Bank Ltd board of directors here in Hong Kong. I would respectfully request that you keep the contents of this mail confidential and respect the integrity of the information. I contacted you independently of our investigation and no one is informed of this communication. I would like to intimate you with certain facts that I believe would be of interest to you. I know you would be wondering why I am writing you with a request such as this but I only urge you to read on.

I need your co-operation in receiving US$10.5Million that has been in a dormant account with my bank since 1997 under inheritance claim. 30% of the total sums will be accrued to you upon the confirmation of the funds in your nominated account. Although it may seem small, but you have to understand and accept this since 40% of the total sum will go to charity, as my entitlement here is also 30%.

The account holder is late and I being his account officer, I have tried to reach any of the next trustees, but to no avail and since I am not in position to make the claim to myself, I can establish you before the bank as the heir to the bequest. It is very important that the claim is made, as the bank will turn the funds over to the treasury anytime from now if it remains unclaimed.

I will provide you with detailed information on the modalities of this operation once I have your interest but I must say that trust flourishes business. Therefore let your conscience towards this proposal be nurtured with sincerity.

Peter Wong

I replied.

Dear Mr. Wong (if that is your real name, which I doubt).

You need to get a proper job. Perhaps you'll be able to get training in prison. You expected me, no doubt, to jump at the offer of 30% of ten million dollars. Unfortunately I will do no such thing. First, I'm already extremely wealthy. Second, what you propose is very, very illegal, and thirdly, your name is not Peter Wong, you do not work for the Hang Seng Bank of Hong Kong, and you do not have ten million dollars to do anything with anyhow. 'Trust flourishes business', you say, but a fool and his money are soon parted, and I don't trust the sort of man who sends these e-mails any further than I can throw him. I intend to find out how far I can throw you as soon as possible. Which will be very soon, by the way.

You see, your proposal, even if it was true, would be very illegal, and there's no honour among thieves. To trust you I'd have to be every sort of a mug. And I mean EVERY sort!

You were more than a little 'Wong' when you targeted me for your scam, pal. You see, I am not the mug that you supposed me to be. Nor am I an undercover law officer. I am in fact a costumed crime-fighter known as the Girl in Grey, and I have a wonderful teenaged sidekick who has the sort of computer skills that are almost required in sidekicks today. She has already traced your REAL location, and we will be paying you a visit shortly. Oh, did I mention I'm a Judo expert and I need a workout?

Yours in anticipation of beating you up

The Girl in Grey.

Actually I set the Sparrow on him first. She quietly emptied his bank account in Nigeria while Scruff, Emily and me flew to Lagos. We are now on our way back, and the man who said he was Wong is now learning a new career -sewing mailbags. He also now knows how far I can throw him. Well, he'd have gone further, but a wall got in the way. Still, medical science today can work wonders.

Evolve or die! 31

[Still Scruff, foiling Toxic with the aid of Laura Moriarty, the cool Black Kitten, and Emily Fairbairn, the cool and sinister Outsider]
Toxic ran for the hub of the water treatment plant, whilst five of her men tried to keep us pinned down with gunfire. I saw the flashes of their pistols and turned to Laura.
"Black Kitten..."
"Time to rely on Emily. Outsider?"
"You think these men are getting in the way?"
Five crossbow bolts, five dead thugs. Emily's very effective. But she was trained as an assassin, after all. She's kind of fun.
We ran down the grass bank to where the truck was parked. It was listing on two wheels.
"You die!"
A huge sword-wielding thug who looked like a retired Sumo wrestler (and he was, we found that out afterwards) leaped down from the van at us.
"Banzai!" he cried.
"Leave him to me!" I heard Emily draw her own sword. "I need to keep in practice!"
The Japanese thug's sword met The Outsider's Indian blade. She laughed.
"Hello, Sumo," she said. "My, aren't you a big target!"
And Emily, being thirteen, slim and black and smoky, isn't a big target at all.
Sis says there are two types of sword-wielding criminals. Those who know how to use their swords and those who don't. I'm afraid Mr. Sumo was the sort who does. But then, Emily's so cool, and she's got so many weapons.
We didn't stay to watch her fight. Instead we sprinted after Toxic, boots silent on the asphalt (hey, they're meant to be). If Toxic got that stuff in London's water supply, thousands would die and we'd have to use bottled water for weeks. I hate both those things, so I wasn't going to let Toxic win. My cape flapped behind me, and Laura's tail flapped behind her. I don't think I'd have a tail on my costume, but it's hers.
We burst into the 'hub, and Toxic whirled to face us.
"Gun them!" she cried.
But Toxic appeared not to know that London crooks are lousy shots. Hey, it's illegal to own a pistol in this country, so there aren't any clubs where they can practice. They're not trained, they just throw lead about the place.
Laura and me dodged flying lead. Laura finally unleashed the two razor-edged Ninja throwing stars she'd drawn from her belt a while back, and one of the gunmen dropped his gun. I kicked the gun from another's hand, and pulled off my cape, which I used the disarm the last man.
They still wanted to hit me, so I let Laura run past me.
We HAD to stop Toxic.

Evolve or die! 30

[More of me, Scruff, the Girl in Grey's cool teenaged sister, fighting crime with the uber-cool Black Kitten and the Outsider, who's also very cool]
"Toxic's here!" I hissed. Emily drew her crossbow and Laura dipped a hand into one of the equipment pouches in her belt. I decided not to ask what she was going to use - it couldn't be much more deadly than Emily, after all. Hey, Emily was trained to kill people!
"We've got to get to the hub before they do!" I warned. Laura nodded.
"Okay. Emily, cover us. Come on!"
I kept my black cape (boy, I'm glad I didn't pick a 1940s Robin costume. Cold legs AND a yellow cape!) drawn over my colourful costume. Laura was just invisible in her black outfit. Our night-vision lenses meant we didn't have any trouble seeing, despite the fact that the lights were out.
And boy what we saw! Toxic was a woman in a skin-tight green spandex costume. I heard Laura chuckle next to me.
"Is spandex really that functional?" she asked.
"Says girl in show-off black outfit," I joked back. I noticed that Toxic had some sort of gun stuck in the top of her right boot, and devices I didn't like the look of at all on the backs of her gloves. But then she was a super-villain.
"I'll go first," Laura whispered to me. "I don't have any exposed skin in this costume, so if she tries some sort of contact poison, I'll be okay."
"And if she tries to dissolve your costume with acid?"
"She's got another thing coming. I'm a whizz at chemistry."
The more I knew Laura, the more I thought she was very, very cool.
"I'll follow up. I may be a bit of a geek, but I do Judo as well."
"I've got a crossbow," Emily pointed out. "I can shoot from here."
"The truck tyres," Laura advised. "We need to keep them from escaping."
"As you wish."
Two bolts left Emily's little black crossbow in quick succession, puncturing the tyres of the truck on the side we could see. With a hiss of air the tyres deflated.
"We're being attacked!" Toxic cried. She pulled a mobile 'phone from her belt, but Emily shot it from her hand - breaking it in the process, of course. That's the fun thing about mobile 'phones, I guess, villains just buy theirs the same place the rest of us do.
"It's that Girl in Grey's friends!" Toxic cried venemously. "Shoot to kill!"
The result of that was predictable. Emily shot one of Toxic's men through the heart. She's kind of lethal like that.
"Hold them off! I'll plant the poison!"
Toxic and three of her men ran whilst the others tried to hold us off.
We were seriously racing against time!

Evolve or die! 29

[More of me, Scruff]
We stopped dead at the sound of the guard's voice and turned around. He didn't have a gun, of course - hey, he was a British security guard. They don't let them have guns, and quite right too. Guns hurt people.
The guard was speechless for a moment as he saw us. Hey, like I said, cool costumes. And Emily just looks cool all the time. We kind of rock.
Apparently he gave Emily an opening. She fired her crossbow, smashing the guard's radio before he could report us. Bless the little crossbow-expert! She's dark and scary, and she kills people, but she is very, very cool. And when she fires that little crossbow of hers, she hits the target. UNLIKE all those losers on the BBC's 'Robin Hood'. Boy that show sucks... But Emily says I'm getting off-topic again. Hey, look, if you're going to make a show about Robin Hood, who's probably one of the coolest characters in the world, it's not hard to make the show cool, is it? But the BBC show... well, it's just not cool, that's all. Anyhow, back to the story...
Laura followed up for Emily, showing her athletic and martial arts ability. She knocked the guard out cold with two kicks. I was kind of impressed, and I'm not exactly a bad fighter myself. Emily does things with weapons, Laurra uses her hands and feet, and me? I'm the girl who does stuff with computers.

"He's out," Laura whispered. Emily and me moved silently over the grass to join her.
"Hey, good work, Black Kitten," I said. Laura's mask isn't the most expressive in the world. I know she got the idea from Batgirl, but it still looks cool. She pulls it off - she's got the figure for it. Me, I prefer my Robin outfit anyhow.
We moved silently across the grass to the buildings of the water treatment works. There we waited in the shadows, scanning the surroundings with our night-vision lenses.
The way was clear, and we moved forward. I'd got a plan of the plant off the internet (I am SUCH a geek like that), and we knew where Toxic would have to go to introduce her poison to the plant.
"Hey," Laura whispered, "I thought these plants purified the water."
"They do," I whispered back. "But the process isn't infallible. Why, I heard there was a case years ago when a chemical spill in Wales turned the whole of Liverpool's water supply into TCP mouthwash. The spilled cemical reacted with something in the treatment process to create the mouthwash."
"Ew! Imagine making coffee with that!"
"Yeah," I smiled.
There was the hub, the place where Toxic would have to insert the chemical. And once it was introduced into the water supply, thousands would be doomed.
I saw the van drive up, and I knew.
Toxic was here!

Evolve or die! 28

[Still Scruff. Like I said, you'd get bored reading about Sis and Diana]

I drove the Grey Car fast through London. Yeah, I don't have a licence yet (I'm still not old enough), but I am THE safest driver on the planet, and I'm not kidding. I've never had an accident yet. And I do have a motorbike licence. The Black Kitten sat beside me, the lights of the car's dashboard reflecting off her green eyepieces. Did I say that her suit's way cool? Because it is. Not just ordinary cool either.
Did I care about my Robin costume? Not much. It's cool too. VERY cool. The sort of costume that impresses bad guys. And right now we were on our way to deal with Toxic. Me, Laura Moriarty, Alias the Black Kitten, and Emily Fairbairn, alias The Outsider. Together we were the three most dangerous teenagers on the planet (how cool is that?). We were going to stop Toxic from killing thousands of people by putting the second part of a two part poison in London's water supply. We were also going to hurt some crooks, but that's really Laura and Emily's department, not mine. I guess it's why they're still friends after Emily shot Laura's Dad and killed him.

The Canning Town water treatment works is pretty huge, and brand new. It does water treatment for half of London, if Toxic poisoned its supply, we'd be in big trouble, and I don't mean perhaps.
Of course, we couldn't get in through the front gate. First of all, like I said, Sis is kind of like the Green Hornet. The cops all think she's a crook, so I couldn't drive her car up to the front gate. Second, the Black Kitten's got an even worse reputation, and third, that just ISN'T cool at all. There's no fun if you don't get to beat up bad guys!
So I drove round the back and parked in a quiet lane where no-one could see us. I got out, and Laura and Emily followed me. Me! I was in charge!

We pretty quickly found a tree that overhung the chain-link fence, climbed up it, and dropped over into the water treatment works. I have to say, I was really glad terrorists like to drive car-bombs into stuff, not sneak in, otherwise my plan wouldn't have worked. But it did! Laura's cool costume has night vision lenses, so she was okay. I had my own night vision goggles, and of course Emily can see in the dark. Actually that was our only problem - her eyes glow, and while it's cool and scary, it's also kind of easy to spot.
We moved silently over the grass. Then I heard a voice behind us.
"Stop where you are and turn around!"
We'd been rumbled!

Evolve or die! 27

[Still Scruff. Sis could tell you all about being tied up in Toxic's base, but it's really boring, trust me.]
We spent the rest of the day in Laura's pool, figuring there was nothing much we could do till it was dark anyhow, and we might as well relax (Sis was mad at me for doing that, but she's my big sister, so she's meant to do that. And it was great fun too. Hey, we don't have a pool at home, so Emily and me wanted to use Laura's while we could). After a light supper we got into our costumes. Laura's outfit is SO cool, and I don't mean maybe. It's black and sinister-looking. I wish I'd thought of it, but no, I get stuck with my Robin outfit. Hey, not that I mind that, but... well, just seeing Laura's outfit made me feel a whole lot less cool. I guess... well, being with Laura's kind of like standing next to Batman. Whatever you're wearing makes you feel less cool. Unless you're Dr. Fate, I guess, he has a REALLY cool outfit. Emily says I'm getting off-topic, so I'll get back on it.
Laura's costume was cool. There's just not a lot more I can say about it. World's coolest outfit after Dr. Fate.

Usually the Black Kitten uses a really cool black motorbike, but we couldn't fit hers in the boot, so she rode up front with me in the Grey Car (cool car, not so cool name, but hey, it's not my car). Last time she rode in it, she was in a state, but now she bounced up and down on the comfortable leather seat.
"Hey, comfy seats!"
"Sis uses the car for stake-outs," I explained. "That means we need comfy seats."
"Electric back-massagers?"
"Don't push your luck."
"Can't have everything," Laura agreed. Hearing her cheery voice coming from behind that blank mask was kind of odd. Kind of like Emily's kind of creepy. Only not so creepy, if you know what I mean. I mean, Emily's kinda creepiness personified, being black and smoky with glowing red eyes. She kind of scared me last time I walked in on her in the shower. But that's another story...
I started the car.
"Black Kitten grapple. Check," Laura said. Emily giggled.
"You two have been watching daytime TV again," I warned.
"Who cares! We're off!"
And we were. Laura used a device in her belt to open the gates of the house for us, and the Grey Car sped off, into the night. Emily loaded her crossbow. We were out hunting! And our prey was called Toxic!

Evolve or die! 26

[Still Scruff]
Laura Moriarty, Alias the Black Kitten (Sis thinks she gave that up, she didn't, but she was just fighting crime in Cheltenhasm instead of London) lives in a big house in Clapham. It's all hers now, complete with a high-tech garage for her sleek black Kittencycle. I am SO jealous of her sometimes. I mean, I have to ride in Sis's car all the time. Most of the time I don't really mind, but sometimes it just sucks.
I parked the grey car (we need a cooler name for it, but hey, it's Sis's car) outside Laura's place, and I jumped out and ran to the door. I rang the bell and waited on the doorstep. It looked like Laura was in, but appearances can be deceptive. Hey, I know that, I'm great at fooling people that way.
Suddenly the door opened.
"Scruff!" Laura grabbed me and hugged me. "Scruff, you're a mess!"
"She always is," Emily pointed out. "It's why we call her Scruff."
"Yeah, I guess so. But... hey! That's the Girl in Grey's car! Where is she?"
"We wish we knew," Emily answered. "Right now I think some crook has her. Someone called Toxic who wants to kill every drug addict in London with a two-part poison. Part one is in the drugs this crook's selling, and Toxic's going to put part two in the water supply."
"We know where too," I added proudly. "The Canning Town water treatment works."
"So you need the Black Kitten to help you guys spring the Girl in Grey, beat the crook, and save London?"
"Sort of," Emily answered.
"Oookay. Come on in," she ushered us inside, and the three of us sat down in Laura's huge and rather cool sitting-room.
"So, what do you mean, Black-and-smoky?" she asked.
"She means Sis wouldn't want to be rescued first," I replied. "We beat the bad guy, THEN we spring Sis."
"Works for me," Laura said at once. "You mean you're thinking tactically?"
"I guess."
"Sure you are! You're letting the bad guy think he's won... it is a guy?"
"We don't know. Mysterious type."
"Oh, yeah. I met one of them in Cheltenham. Magic guy trying to throw a horse race. I mean, please! the guy had cool magic powers and he was going to use 'em to nobble horses! But he was a guy."
"Toxic doesn't have magic powers," Emily said.
"Okay. Hey, but I met this really cool magic girl who helped me beat Dr. Alchemy. Yeah, he called himself Dr. Alchemy. I mean, corny name or what, huh?"
"Corny," I agreed. "You'll help?"
"Will I? The Black Kitten is BACK!"

We were going to ROCK!

Evolve or die! 25

[Scruff here]
I tried to contact Sis, but her mobile was turned off. That meant she was in trouble, and it was up to us to stop Toxic.
I wanted to let Emily drive, but she told me first of all that she doesn't know how to and second that for a girl her age to do that is very illegal. So I had to drive, which is cool and everything, but it meant I couldn't use my computer at the same time, and Sis has git rather used to my computer skills getting her out of trouble. Sometimes you can just fight crime with a computer (it's fun diverting huge amounts of money out of crooks' bank accounts), but this time I was sure we'd have to be a bit more active.
The place was a dump. It was totally derelict and surrounded by a scrapyard full of dead cars. But this was where our stool pigeon had said the bad guys hung out, and I knew already that bad guys like to hang out in places like this.
Having parked the car, I got out my computer. Emily was slumped in her seat being quiet and trying not to be noticed. I had my mask and jacket off (being disguised as Robin might draw attention to me, while a girl wearing a green top wouldn't be so obvious), and I was doing my best not to look suspicious.
"Okay, Emily, we know Toxic wants to poison the water supply. So why's Toxic based here?"
"You're the girl with the laptop, not me," she replied. "I've just got a crossbow and some other nasty weapons."
Honestly, she can be so annoying sometimes. I guess it's 'cos she's thirteen and I'm sixteen. Or something like that.
"Okay, I'll have a look."
I started searching using the software package that the Sparrow had developed for Sis. I've got to hand it to her, Sis does have the coolest friends. And the coolest job. So I kind of enjoy working for her. Hey, it beats being back in school doing boring A-Levels and stuff. Boy, I'm glad I don't have to stay there til I'm eighteen!
Then I saw it. The Canning Town Water Treatment works, the latest, most high-tech water-treatment works in London, capable of treating half the city's water supply and just come on line. A perfect target - and why else would even a super-villain hang out in a dump like this? I mean, even super-baddies have some self-respect. Don't they? And they have to have REASONS for putting their bases where they do, right? I mean, like the guy who has a base in a volcano needs the volcano for something, doesn't he? So Toxic's base was in Canning Town because of the water-treatment works! See, I AM a detective. Sis is training me, so some day I'll drop this Robin outfit and have one of my own that's WAY cooler.
"Emily, I've got it! Canning Town Water Treatment works! It's just down the road and it does water treatment for half of London!"
"Okay. So we just turn up and tell them?"
"Don't be silly! We can't do that! The cops think Sis is bad - you know, like the Green Hornet?"
"Yes, I do. So what?"
"We have to stop the baddies ourselves."
"Scruff..."
"Yeah, I know. Hey! Your pal Laura Moriarty just finished her A-levels, right?"
"Right, but..."
"Let's call her up and see if she wants to help. She does Judo and stuff, doesn't she?"
"Right," Emily picked up my mobile.
We were going to kick those killers!

Evolve or die! 24

Take my advice, don't get knocked out by a nutcase with a dart-gun on her hand, it hurts. Then they rant at you. I've seen it all before, and I don't like it. Still, it's better than being whacked over the head and getting concussion. I really hate that.

I came around slowly in the derelict mansion to find that I'd been tied to a chair, and my belt, gloves and boots and been removed. Apparently Toxic knew where I kept my escape kit. Or at least suspected it.
"So, you're awake?"
Toxic was standing over me, gloating. I looked up. She smiled.
"Jane Hill. I should have suspected that you were that sanctimonious bigot. Your sort conspire to keep us from the truth."
Of course she'd unmasked me. She was a villain. It was the sensible thing to do.
"You're mad," I told her. No banter, just the facts.
"They said Einstein was mad, they said Columbus was mad, they said that Copernicus was mad..."
"They said King George III was mad too. And they said Louie was mad."
"Who's Louie?"
"My uncle. He was mad. Just because people say you're mad doesn't mean you're not."
Little-known fact, but one that has to be mentioned once in a while. These mad scientists expect that we'll all accept their crackpot theories. Doesn't work that way, I've seen too many.
"In centuries to come they'll see my true worth, they'll remember me..."
"As a murderous crackpot, Coral. So, Toxic's you, a mad plan to wipe out all the 'unfit'?"
"Before Columbus, everyone thought the world was flat..."
"That's not true, many ancient seafaring cultures worked out on their own that it's round. But you're not a Columbus, Toxic, you're a killer. Your only claim to fame is that you've found a particularly nasty application of Darwin's theory. Social Darwinism taken to the ultimate - kill those you deem to be unfit. Hitler did the same thing."
That was when she hit me in the mouth.
"You ignorant fundementalist bigot! How dare you speak to me like that! You're the past - I'm the future. And in two hours every drug user in London will be dead. You can't stop me!"
I hoped Scruff could.

Evolve or die! 23

There I was, in a derelict house, up against a woman who was definitely insane. I know some scientists have suggested that mankind's control over the environment has stopped human evolution, and I defend their right to say it, but Toxic's idea of how to overcome the problem was just insane! She'd elevated Darwin's theory from a scientific theory to a religious dogma, and her definition of good was whatever advanced evolution! What was worse, she had determined to do whatever it took - meaning murder and mayhem.

"...Human evolution is stuck, Diana. It needs to move on, but we;re stopping it. What I'm doing is helping nature..."
"And how does nature like it?"
"I am an agent of nature, Diana! Your compassion's misplaced, a weakness. I kill because I have to, because nature demands it! And tonight.. tonight I shall finally begin my great task! Thousands of the unfit shall perish at the hands of Toxic! Imagine it, Diana, the beautiful advance of evolution! Progress at last, after centuries of stagnation! What shall we be, Diana? What will our children be? A few must die so that the race can survive, can flourish, can advance!"
"Wh... what are you going to do?" Diana was clearly terrified, and I didn't blame her. I'd be terrified if I was tied to a chair listening to Toxic rant about her plans to kill thousands of people. They needed help, not to be murdered.
But then, I thought to myself, Toxic needed help too. Well, I could always start that.
"I've spent millions to make sure that every drug-user in London gets a dose of the first part of my special formula. On its own it's quite harmless, but it sits in the body for years, waiting for part two."
"But if users start dying after taking your drugs, they'll switch suppliers..."
"That's the beauty of my plan, Diana. I'm going to contaminate London's water supply. All of it. So that drug users will die the first time they drink tap water! No-one will know until it's too late!"

"No!"
I chose my moment to enter the room, drawing my whip from my belt as I did so. Toxic whirled to face me. Diana smiled as she saw a rescuer.
"The Girl in Grey!" Toxic laughed. She wore a form-fitting green costume with a skull-and-crossbones motif on it. A pair of silver-rimmed goggles hung around her neck, and there was some sort of green pistol stuck in the top of one of her high boots. "I was wondering when you'd try to interfere. You don't understand..."
"I do. You're insane..."
"No, the world's mad and I am sane!"
"I prefer to think it's the other way around," I said. "Raise your hands."
Toxic smiled and began to raise her hands. I should have realised she was up to something, but I only tumbled to it when something hit me in the neck. I pulled out the dart and sighed.
"I haven't taken drugs in my life."
"Fool, I don't want you dead!"
Then I felt the tranquilizer take effect. It was fast-acting, and I passed out in seconds.

Evolve or Die! 22.

Professor Coral Williams, Richard Dawkins fan and evolution-nut was Toxic, the mysterious killer of drug-users. Everything suddenly made a very nasty sort of sense. Coral was an evolution nut. I suddenly remembered something she'd said,

"We have practically destroyed evolutionary pressure. For centuries, intead of allowing the weak and the unfit to die, we have preserved their lives. Thankfully now modern reproductive science has allowed us to practically eliminate certain unfitnesses such as Down's Syndrome and the cleft pallette, but still some families choose to have children with genetic disorders born, and they keep those children alive! It is an offence..."

Coral wanted to give evolution a helping hand, engage in her own eugenics programme by killing off those she thought of as 'unfit', beginning with drug-users.
"Coral, you can't..."
"I have to, Diana. You don't understand. You're too compassionate. These people have to die, for the good of the human race. Think of it, these drug-users, addicts, abusing their own bodies, passing on mutations they've induced in their own bodies to their children. If we elimiate all of them, then humanity will be so much better-off."
"They're human beings!"
"And what are human beings? Simply highly-evolved apes! Don't you see, Diana, if these people die, if evolutionary pressure is scientifically applied by a catalyst such as me, the race will begin evolving again. Imagine it! I'm helping mankind!"
"You're murdering thousands of people!"
"I'm eliminating genetically unfit material! I'm doing good! But you're too blind to see it! Or are you like that silly friend of yours, Jame Hill! She doesn't even believe in evolution! She's so decieved by her religion. But I know the truth. There is no God up there, watching over us. We have to control our own destiny, move forward to higher things. We shall see the triumph of evolution! I shall help to bring it about! I am the servant of nature, the catalyst of the development of humanity!"
She was completely insane, I realised. That made her incredibly dangerous. She believed that she was working for the good of humanity. She wasn't the sort of criminal I was used to (even though some of the people I've dealt with before have been insane). She thought she was working for good. In her eyes those who tried to care for the sick were the criminals. She was the hero, bringing her own brand of social Darwinism to London.
And I had to stop her. It was not a nice thought.

Evolve or Die! 21.

[Girl in Grey back]
I hung on tight as the car sped through London. Being a Londoner myself, I recognised the route to Canning Town, and I didn't like it at all. Well, you try going anywhere on the back of a car and see how you like it. Especially the distance between Kensington and Canning Town. I don't have to say I was grateful for my hard-wearing costume! I mean, I'm used to travelling in unusual positions, but the back of a car's murder on the clothes!
We arrived at a derelict mansion, and I slipped off before the car stopped, hiding myself in the junkyard that surrounded the mansion. I could see that it had been an impressive building once, set in its own grounds. Those grounds were almost totally eaten up by light industrial units now, and the house was abandoned.
Or it SEEMED abandoned. It was exactly the sort of place a super-villain might use as a base. Had I been taken to Toxic?
Why had Diana been kidnapped, not killed? Toxic wasn't exactly shy about killing, after all, so there had to be a reason. I just didn't know what it was. After all, Diana didn't have any scierntific skills that Toxic might need, no secrets, except that of Toxic's identity.
Not that I wasn't glad Toxic hadn't killed Diana. I'm rather fond of Diana, and I was partly to blame for her getting kidnapped like this.
I moved silently among the rusting wrecks of cars that surrounded the old mansion, looking for a way in. There had to be one, I reasoned. A window where the boards had come loose, or a door. I could see the 'unsafe structure, keep out' signs on the mansion's doors and windows, but I also saw the front door opened and Diana dragged inside. If it was safe enough for the usual London thugs who used to be boxers (apparently boxing didn't keep THEM out of crime), it was safe for my svelte form.
The boards on the windows did mean no-one saw me creeping through the wrecks in the scrapyard around the mansion, and at last I reached a door. It was padlocked, but locks are simple things for me, and I had it open in seconds. I slipped inside, into a world of semi-darkness, a world where I smelled rotting wood, where wallpaper was peeling from walls. It had once been a grand house, now it was falling into ruin.
I moved silently, cautiously, keeping all my senses alert. At last I found myself crouching behind a door that was ajar. It led into one of the grand rooms of the old mansion, and I could hear a conversation inside.
"Toxic!" Diana exclaimed.
I was right!
"Yes," a woman's voice purred. "Toxic. You're very clever, Diana Dickson, but not clever enough."
I recognised the voice! It was Coral Williams!
Coral Williams was Toxic! Suddenly everything made sense!

Evolve or Die! 20.

[Scruff here]
With Sis having jumped on the back of a car as it sped off, Emily and I were left with a crook on our hands. I had quickly shed my sweater and trousers (baggy clothes are so useful) and was now in my Robin costume (anyone think I should wear something else? Suggestions welcome. But rude ones will result in my hacking your computer). The crook was shaking like jelly. Not because of me (fat chance), but because of Emily, who was visible in all her black smokiness.
"So, you kidnapped Diana Dickson," I said in my most threatening tones (I'm not that threatening. Maybe I should have chosen a more threatening costume). "We know Toxic hired you, because Diana found out who Toxic is."
"That means he doesn't know who Toxic is," Emily pointed out. "Otherwise he'd be dead by now. What do we do with him?"
"We can't interrogate him in the middle of Kensington High Street," I pointed out. "I'll get the car and we'll take him to an old warehouse."
"Okay, Robin, but be careful."
"Like I'm ever anything else!"
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, 'Scruff's sixteen, she's not allowed to drive'. Yeah, I know, but the Girl in Grey isn't exactly legal either. We're vigilantes, and last time I looked there was a law against that.
So I sprinted back to the car, got in and drove off. The thug was too terrified of the Outsider to be any trouble. I just handcuffed and blindfolded him, and drove off.
I had no idea what I was doing, but I hoped Emily would know what to do. I mean, she was trained to be some sort of creepy supernatural assassin or something like that, so I figured she'd know how to get information out of a man.
I know places where no-one's going to look. If you know where to find them, London's got a lot of really nice derelict buildings where you can question a man. Not that I'm into that sort of thing, but with tens of thousands of people at risk, I was willing to let Emily do whatever she did.
We drove to the old derelict warehouse, and we got the terrified thug inside. In the darkness, Emily's glowing red eyes looked even scarier. I took the man's blindfold off, and he faced the Outsider.
"No!!!" he screamed. "I'll tell you everything! Just don't hurt me! I can stand anything but pain!"
World's shortest interrogation, I thought to myself. Sis was right, crooks are a cowardly lot. Mind you, I don't like the idea of being hurt either, so maybe he was just sensible.
"Then spill," I drawled in my best gangster-type accent. The crook looked confused.
"Just talk," I explained.
"All right! Toxic said to get the girl and take her to a derelict house in Canning Town! Said the girl knows too much and has to be kept out of the way. That's all I know, I swear!"
As I've kind of cleaned up his words to write them here, I was well aware that he swore. Often and explicitly.
"Didn't your mother tell you not to use nasty words?" Emily asked him. He went even whiter than he already was, something I hadn't thought he could do.
"House name?" I asked.
"Ivydene Lodge..."
"Thanks. We'll be back," I told him. We left him in the derelict warehouse. Well, it was all I could think of.

Evolve or Die! 19.

I sprang from the table at once and ran to the exit. Scruff followed, and I assumed Emily did too (her being invisible meant it was hard to tell).
I dashed down the stairs and out into the street, not caring what people thought. My friend was in trouble, and only I could help her. It's times like these I wish I had Supergirl's powers. They'd be so handy. Or maybe the Flash's powers...
Dream on! I'm not the fastest girl alive, and I can't defy the laws of physics. I am pretty athletic, though, so I made good time. Scruff sprinted after me.
We ran towards the Natural History Museum, feet pounding on the pavement. I wished I could change into my Girl in Grey costume, but this was way too public for that. I had to rely on The Outsider's skills to do the scary stuff.
Then I saw it. Diana being stuffed into a car by a group of armed men.
Guns. Too many guns. And I was unarmed. I stopped dead as a gun was pointed right at me.
"So, you're the friend she was 'phoning?" the masked gunman mocked. "Shame you can't help. But be glad we silenced her when we did - otherwise you'd be gettin' silednced - for good."
Did I say I hate guns. They're for cowards. Anyone can hide behind a pistol, pretend to be brave. Now a sword takes skill. Unarmed combat's an art. A gun? Most of these thugs don't even know how to aim one. But this man didn't need to, not at this range. He just had to point the gun at me, and if it didn't kill, it'd maim. Nasty, nasty thing.
There was a time all the amateurs went for headshots. That was quite funny, because the head's a small target and easiuly moved. I suppose it was some movie they'd all seen. Now they were back to body shots. And, despite our gun laws, it seemed every cheap thug in London had a gun.
"No!"
The thug looked around at the sound of Emily's sinister voice. I seized my chance - and the man's gun. Using my own knowledge of unarmed combat techniques, I tore the sweapon from his hand, ejected the magazine, and threw both gun and magazine away.
Now the crook looked scared. Scared of me, because he had no gun, and I knew how to defeat him.
The car roared away. I let go of the crook and hurled myself after the vehicle in a desperate attempt to help my friend.
Somehow I caught the rear bumper and hung on for dear life. Thankfully I had my Girl in Grey costume on under my clothes.
Diana knew who Toxic was. That meant she was in serious danger. It also meant I had to save my friend, find Toxic, defeat the criminal mastermind, and save London from tens of thousands of deaths.
Good thing I'd started early and had a good breakfast.

Evolve or Die! 18.

We arrived at Marks and Spencer in Kensington High Street ten minutes ahead of time. Scruff doesn't do any preening at all (you might have noticed), and I dress simply as well. I parked the faithful grey Jag safely and set the electric security device to deliver nasty shocks to would-be thieves. Emily, now totally invisible, followed us.
I like Marks and Spencer. When I was a student, I had a job there (not the one in Kensington), and I rather enjoyed it. Some of the things they sell are another matter, of course...
Taking Scruff into a smart clothing store is rather amusing. well-dressed people give her funny looks. And I don't just mean old people. I mean everyone. Scruff, of course, doesn't care, though she stuck her tongue out at a couple of people who stared at her.
We sat down in the cafe. Emily sat next to me, and Scruff sat opposite. She lay back in her chair and smiled.
"So, what do you think?"
"No idea, I'm afraid," I replied. "Diana's working at the Natural History Museum, and there's a lot of people on the staff there."
"Do you think one of them could be Toxic?" Scruff leaned forward, resting her elbows on the table. The sleeves of her baggy sweater slipped down.
"Could be. But why? You know as well as I do that even the most insane serial killers have a motive. There's no such thing as a motiveless killing."
"I know that, sis - you taught me that. Gosh, before I thought there was."
"It all depends on how you define motive," I pointed out. "For example, there was one case where a councillor was killed walking down Hammersmith High Street. The police were baffled, he was popular, a good man. I discovered that the killing had been an initiation test for entry to the Guild of Assassins. In other words, the motive was nothing to do with the selected victim. But there was still a motive."
"You're a pretty good detective."
"I know. I just wish they wouldn't call me 'The World's Cutest Detective', it sounds... well, like I'm not very good at the detective part."
"That's a lie." Scruff looked at the clock. "Diana's late."
I looked too. She was. Five minutes late.
"It's probably nothing," I said.
But ten minutes passed. Suddenly my 'phone rang. I answered it in a flash. It was Diana.
"Jane!" she cried. "I'm in trouble! It's Toxic! I found..."
Then she was silenced.
Diana was in serious trouble!

Evolve or Die! 17.

I got up some time after ten to find Scruff and Emily (Scruff still in her pyjamas) sitting on the sofa watching morning television together while Emily polished her sword.
"Anything about 'Spiv' yet?" I asked. Scruff shook her head.
"No. I think it's being covered up, same as all these deaths of drug addicts. I bet the police haven't a clue what's going on, and it terrifies them."
"I bet you're right," I replied. I was going to go and take my morning shower when the 'phone rang. I picked it up.
"Hello, Jane Hill speaking."
"Jane! It's Diana!"
Diana Dickson, my old friend from university!
"Diana! Hi! How's things?"
"Jane, I can't talk now. I need to see you as soon as possible. I'm in the Natural History Museum..."
"One hour, in the Cafe at Marks and Spencer, Kensington High Street," I suggested. "I'll bring Scruff along too."
"Of course! she lives with you now!"
"She does. I rather like our arrangement. Well, most of the time."
"Hey, Scruff's a nice person, Jane. I like her."
"Thankfully, so do I. Okay, Diana, Marks and Spencer, in an hour. 'Bye!"
"'Bye!" she cried cheerily. I put down the 'phone.
I was worried, and so was Diana. Something scared her, and she wanted to talk to me about it. Most people, who think of Jane Hill as a quiet, but ultimately rather dull heiress, would be surprised to hear Diana ask ME for help. But I've been up the Amazin with Diana, and I saved her life twice then. She knows I'm smart, fast and athletic, and that I can be relied on to keep a secret. She DOESN'T know I'm the Girl in Grey, but that's a good thing.
"Sis?" Scruff asked.
"Diana Dickson. She's in trouble. She knows something she can't talk about over the 'phone. Get dressed, we'll be meeting her in Kensington..."
"I heard that bit. How about Emily?"
"Good point. Emily, will you come with us? Stay invisible and act as a bodyguard."
"Okay," she agreed, red eyes gleaming.
I wondered what it was Diana had discovered, and I hoped she would be able to tell me.